The Power of will

I've been thinking. Again am going through a difficult phase. I only have difficult phases. The common denominator has always been: Confusion. Yeap! Always been confused, and always wanted someone to tell me what is it that I should do. Well, today I am 38 almost 39 and am still waiting.

So here is a new approach. How about deciding up on what I want. That's an idea. Making up my own mind and living up to the consequences of it. And I'll start right now.

Current Situation:

• Financially
  Papi Riki: My Club. It offers me a good financial possibility. I want to keep it open.
• Emotionally
  Stability: No more Roller Coaster feelings. More freedom to feel.
• more to come

A long days work

The last three days have been quite a challenge. Whith a head full of worries and no real goal approach. But somehow I managed to get through them and still get thiniks accomplished.

Of course not everyone is pleased with me or what was done and for most people there wasn't really much accomplished. But I think the important thing is that I am happy with what I did regardless of the state of mine I was in.

So!!!

on a down phase

Today is a special day it shows of again the possibilities which are before me.

Decision Making

And Then What.

I own a Bar. Am the sole owner, I am responsible for it. It is not making the money I would like it to.

So what do I decide to do. Close it. That is easy. Tell everybody that I'm closing the place down and then what? Go home. No then you still have to pay the money you borrowed in order to open the place. you signed contracts for over 5 years. 5 years men. by signing those contracts you said that in that time you would create and make money.

Times are hard now but they are not 5 years. You've had good months and bad months. Now you are letting everything get to you and are giving up. That is easy.

go for it. take the other decision. Find out what is needed and expected, and then "do, produce or present it"

so I feel confused, don't know what to do.

Then the question is: What is it that you want to do? and what are the consequences of doing it, and can you live with these consequences.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, how many times I'd heard this phrase and thought, "what in the world...".

So what is different now? Hope, Hope is different, it is there again.
Where does it come from? From taking responsibility.
What in the world am I talking about?

The way I look at my life now. Wow! freedom is all I can see. I've learnd that I am the maker, creator, and coordinator of my life.

No more searching the past looking for an excuse to being the way I was today. That was too easy and it only kept me being exactly that which I was not happy with.

"I can be what I want to be?" Yes, only take responsibility for your acts and most important of all, for your thoughts. Yeap, your thoughts. That's where it all starts and ends. Right there in this little head of mine, where I had chosen to spend so much time, feeling.

Feeling what? well, what do we all feel, Sorry for our self, angry, afraid, happy, frustrated, unsatisfied. And it all worked so perfect inside my head, I was also able to find a reason for all those great feelings. It worked great for decades. Naturs perfection.

So, why change if it was so good?
Because you start noticing that your are not happy most of the time, that regret and sorrow turn out to be your greatest companions, and to be honest, they're not that great to have around.

And now, what's next?

December 18,1994

I´ve been concentrating on what I don´t have, (car, my own house with a bridge over the living room swimming pool, my own bussiness, my girl, etc.) Forgat about what I do have, and who have I become. The result of this is what I wrote yesterday wich takes me directly to no where, also it is not been as happy as I could be now, low energy level and we all now where that is going to take me, yeah! that´s right! ABSOLUTELY NO WHERE. And the worse part is that I will happen painfully.

So let´s take a look at what is really happening right now:

1. Me thinking of leaving Amberes:because I´ve stopped getting into trouble by not taking action on my post. Not getting music. Not looking about bands and activities for amberes. I´ve got to remember I am still what I am. Amberes D.J. with my duties as well. So I must do them and I know fun is a must while I´m doing so.

2 Getting Kalua going under Steven and I direction. All I have to do right now is get Leo to tell me “yes” Warren, you and Steven will run Kalua for now and the we will go on from there using what we already know.

3 Alison. Yeah! she had to come up in this talk. I love her and I want to mary her. She is now in England, I´m here, I can call her if I really wanted to. I will visit next year. If she doesn´t want to mary me. Well such is life but It still goes on.

So for now get those energy level Sky High and way above that. because things can only get better. Have fun, remember that “todos los dias desde todos los puntos de vista voy de mejor en mejor y me divierto haciendolo”.

December 17,1994

This is how I really Feel. Upset. Really Upset. I am been positive, but I´m really upset.