The wab 1993 - 2002

Crónicas de Warren Barton

por Warren Barton

Decidí hacer una crónica de, como y que, es lo que pienso. Por mi mente cruzan muchas y variadas ideas que resultan difíciles de ordenar. Espero llevar esta aventura dentro de mi a un feliz final.

____________________

25 de Diciembre de 1993

Mi madre era maestra de zona rural. Vivíamos en la finca 2 de la bananera y ahí asistí al kinder y al primer grado. Recuerdo la fiesta de fin de curso del kinder a la cual no llegue a tiempo porque el desayuno en mi casa no estuvo listo a tiempo, y mis compañeros me estaban esperando. Lo próximo que recuerdo fue un incidente estando yo en el primer grado de la escuela. Tenia un compañero cuya apariencia siempre comparare con la de Frankeinstein. En una ocasión mientras nos alineábamos para entrar a la clase, yo sostenía un banano el cual ya había pelado, pues tenia toda la intención de comérmelo, cuando este tipo se me acerco y mas pronto de lo que me pude dar cuenta tomo un pedazo de mi banano y se lo comió. De alguna manera me molesto, de hecho hasta estos días recuerdo con desagravio ese incidente. Tal vez fue el sentimiento de invalidación que me invadió al no hacer nada cuando este infeliz tomo el pedazo de mi banano. O fue el sentimiento de cobardía al no haberle roto la cara por irrespetarme. Supongo que debí haber hecho algo significativo para defenderme y demostrarle al tipo, y a mi mismo, que yo me apreciaba lo suficiente como para no permitir ese tipo de actitudes. Esta es la primera vez que me siento a analizar ese acontecimiento y veo que esa no ha sido la única vez en mi vida en la que me he dejado pasar por encima. Inclusive el darme cuenta de que estoy siendo menospreciado; y lo peor es que si eso sucedía era porque yo mismo me lo traía encima menospreciándome yo primero. En mis casi 25 años han sido muy pocas las instancias en las que he cambiado eso. Ahora veo como siempre he sentido como las otras personas son mejores que yo. Que yo he hecho algo malo contra ellos que me merece el desprecio de ellos. Desprecio el cual no tengo el valor de aceptar, lo cual provoca que de algún modo me revele en forma pasiva y retraída contra la sociedad.

Ahora que releo el acontecimiento del banano veo cuan insignificante fue. En realidad demasiado insignificante y no debí haberme perturbado por tantos años en ese incidente.

DOMINGO 26 DE DICIEMBRE 1993

Hoy fui a Zapote, algo que no hago desde hace ya varios años. Fui con Esteban, Cedrick y un amigo de Cedrick, Roberto. Esteban es mi amigo de hace muchos años. Antes era una persona muy frustrada pero sumamente inteligente y simpático. Esteban era una persona de contextura gruesa. Lo operaron una ULCERA EN EL ESTOMAGO hace unos meses y como consecuencia de esa operación perdió una gran cantidad de peso hasta el punto de llegar a ser delgado. Con este cambio aparentemente se han dado otros cambios.

Anteriormente relate la estúpida historia de mi sentimiento de inferioridad y el banano. Pero al recordar ese sentimiento en aquella tarde de mi niñez me di cuenta de que no fue la única vez que lo he sentido; de hecho he vivido con el durante toda mi vida. He estado viviendo en mi niñez casi toda mi vida hasta el día de hoy. Creo que ya es hora de dejar eso atras y seguir hacia el futuro siendo el gran hombre que pretendo ser.

Hace unos días tuve una realización, también como resultado de una conversación que tuve con Esteban. Toda mi vida la he estado viviendo en el futuro y jamas en el ahora, para mi siempre hubo un “después habrá tiempo para hacerlo, ahora no tengo ganas o tiempo”. Eso me ha costado muchos sueños. No he hecho nada porque nunca he podido hacer una sola cosa a la vez y llevarla hasta el final.

Ahora puedo ver como el plantearse metas, alcanzarlas y superarlas puede llevarme hasta donde deseo llegar (que probablemente algún día lo averiguare), y como si esas metas son a corto y largo plazo puedo llegar a obtener ese sentimiento de orgullo sobre mi mismo y poder esperar ese mismo sentimiento de otras personas sobre mi al irradiar yo mismo esa certeza de que puedo lograr lo que me propongo.

Por eso hoy fijare las metas que alcanzare a corto plazo:

Para Enero tendremos los 8 bajos y las cuatro cajas de medios

Un buen rack para el equipo

Para finales de marzo Luces.

Para Diciembre del 94 tener un camión de la movil

Conseguir un trabajo que me permita seguir con la movil y estudiar.

Mejorar mi segunda dinámica hasta obtener resultados satisfactorios

tener una vida feliz

cerrar el ciclo con la Organización Del Mar

Aportar significativamente a mi familia

LUNES 28 DE DICIEMBRE 1993

Hoy fue un día interesante. Me tope a una amiga de la familia, creo, Wendy. Nunca había hablado con ella de la forma en que lo hice hoy. Nos encotramos en San Jose cuando yo salia del banco. La tipa estaba en un predicamento no tenia dinero y esperaba una transferencia de dinero desde Italia de su representante pero no tenia el tipo de identificacion que le solicitaban para obtener el dinero. Me dio cierta lastima hasta descubrir que la tipa utilizaba cocaina. Como parte del cambio que estoy experimentando en mi forma de ser, pude observar como deje a esta niña tomar responsabilidad por sus actos. Yo estaba ahi en esos instantes en que ella necesitaba ayuda especialmente economica y me senti muy tentado a ayudarle. No lo hice porque vi que no era mi obligacion ni que de nada hubiera servido para ella. Tendra que aprender a tomar la vida mas en serio y madurar pronto. Pense que este era un gran incidente pero no lo era. Me gusta esta tecnica de poner lo que pienso en el mundo fisico.

En la noche nos visito mi tio Gerald, el hermano menor de mi madre con su familia. Fue la primera vez que lo vi desde que regrese de Los Angeles. El tipo me receto con quejas de mi madre y del resto de mis tios. Estos problemas de los que me comento son los mismos desde que se escribio la historia de esta familia. El se queja de mi madre de las cosas que ella hace que siempre involucran dinero y yo lo escucho. No se si se sentira mejor despues de que se deshaoga o que, la verdad es que siempre es lo mismo. Antes me hubiera molestado pero hoy solo me limite a escucharlo.

Siento presion en la cabeza. No se a que se pueda deber. Pero espero que no me haga bajar de tono pues estoy feliz y se que lo puedo estar mas. buenas Noches.

He pasado una tarde interesante. Lleve a mi hermano a zapote para que el niño se montara en algunos de los juegos. No recuerdo cuando fue la ultima vez que yo sali solo con mi hermano y de verdad disfrute mucho. Con él fue la primera vez que me monte al Barco pirata.

Mi amiga Lorena llego el Lunes de Canada. Ayer fui con ella, Nathalia, Ivon y Francis a Zapote. Ambas, Lorena y Nathalia, estaban muy melosas lo cual me tenia con cierta incomodidad, porque son mujeres de 19 años pero aparentan menos. Pero hoy me di cuenta que el que estaba actuando estupidamente era yo porque no debi dejar que me importara que era lo que pensara la otra gente de lo que pudiera estar aparentando cualquier cosa que yo este haciendo. Mas bien deberia vivir el momento y disfrutar de la amistad que estas dos niñas me ofrecen y madurar. Esta noche se supone que Esteban y yo saldremos con Lorena y Nathalia. Tal vez a Risas y luego a Members.

Este 31 de Diciembre La Corporacion tendra un Baile en la casa de Kathy Brown. Yo no estare ahi porque Leo le comento a un tal Chango que yo era un excelente D.J. y este tipo me llamo porque necesitaba un D.J. para el 31 en un baile en Aserri. Acepte ir como D.J. porque deseaba establecer la linea con Discomoviles grandes.

The Sea Organization aun espera que yo regrese pero yo he sido demasiado cobarde y no he confrontado el hecho de que no quiero regresar y de eso es algo que ellos no saben. Y tampoco se que es lo que estoy esperando para contactar a mi padre para solicitarle el prestamo para empezar Karibean Fast Foods. Debo cambiar todo eso.

15 de Enero 1994 5:06 a.m

Han pasado 15 dias del primero de enero. Bastante tiempo sin escribir las cronicas. Hoy no he podido dormir por eso esto aqui a estas horas. Lorena ya regreso a Canada. Pasamos momentos muy agradables con ella y creo que se llevo muy bonitos recuerdos de aqui. La noche que fuimos a risas se disfruto mucho especialmente cuanto nos tiramos por el tobogan. Mi hermana Jennory nos acompaños. Fue la primera vez en mi vida que sali con una de mis hermanas y mis amigos. Baile con ella y compartimos hasta donde nos dio la madurez.

El baile de La Corporacion Musical BLASTER Discomovil fue un exito segun Fish. Termino a las 4 de la mañana cuando llego la policia. Mientras tanto mi experiencia con discomoviles grandes no fue tan grata ni ayudo gran cosa. Solo me beneficio el pago de los seis mil colones para poder aportar algo a la cuenta del telefono. El equipo con el que trabaje no me impresiono mucho, no tenia el sonido de agudos que me hubiese gustado. Mis habilidades de D.J. han caido mucho y mi conocimiento de musica no es lo que debiera. En pocas palabras me la pele. Aparte de que pase enfermo mas de la mitad del baile. Me dolian hasta los ojos.

Con respecto al Karibean Fast Foods todavia esta en Stand By. Estos quince dias los pase estancados y no hice nada de verdadero provecho mas que vegetar he ir a ver peliculas donde Ivon. Y no he logrado obtener dinero como para empezar el negocio y la Discomovil no tiene por donde encontrar un contrato para este mes. Fue hasta hoy que tuve una entrevista de trabajo en Intensa. Un instituto de enseñanza de Ingles que sali a San Jose. Espero obtener el empleo asi podre empezar a estudiar computacion. Pues ya me decidi a que estudiar. Ya que tengo acceso a una buena maquina, pues la vamos a aprovechar aprendiendo a utilizarla bien.

Bien pues resulta que el dinero que yo pensaba pedirle a mi padre no vendra porque no lo voy a pedir. Me di cuenta que el señor tiene sus propios problemas y que no esta en condiciones de ayudarme. Ademas creo que es hora de que por mi mismo empieze a levantar cabeza. Una vez que empieza a trabajar en intensa voy a tener mas contactos para contratos y para otras cosas.

Estoy entrando otra vez al mundo de la Organizacion de eventos, lo cual es mi fuerte. Pero le estoy entrando con miedo y a como van las cosas de seguir asi no van bien. Hace falta mucha intencion por parte de los organizadores. Pero bien nos toca cambiar todo eso.

Ahora a lo que queria llegar. Hoy me tope a Xani. El encuentro fue muy bien pero me molesto que me siga perturbando esa tipa. Quede en llamarla esa misma noche pero sali con Francis al cine. Vimos “Como agua para Chocolate”, una excelente pelicula mexicana. De todos modos lo que creo que me molesta es que nunca llegue a tener un verdadera relacion con Xani y nunca he podido enfrentar de forma efectiva el hecho de haber sido la persona mas ridicula que pude haber sido en mi vida durante el tiempo que pense estar enamorado de Xani. Decidi que ahora seria un buen momento para comentar eso con ella para ver que puede suceder en esta relacion. Porque tengo que admitir que todavia causa algo en mi esa mujer.

Voy a dar un poco mas de informacion sobre quien es Xani. Es una vieja que conoci cuando rerese de Nueva York en en 90 en el Tec. Estudiaba lo mismo que yo, Diseño Industrial. Pues yo me enamore de ella hasta el ridiculo y estuve asi por mas de dos años y para tratar de dar una ideas de como estaba he aqui algunas de las cosas que escribi durante esa epoca, inclusive algunas cartas que le mande a la susodicha

Cierro mis ojos y pienso en ti

deseando tambien que ansies de mi

clamo tu presencia junto a mi

soñando el que quieras estar aqui

es un sueño que se repite una y otra vez

miles en un minuto, cientos cada vez

me distraigo en tu mirada

me pierdo en tu belleza

es en tu sinceridad y tibieza

donde se exalta mas tu grandesa

pienso por un instante en cada cosa que vez

intntenta imaginar algo tan bello como tu ser

esto no es comparable a lo que despiertas en mi

pues es incontrolable lo que siento por ti

disfruto tu prescencia y sufro en tu ausencia

por eso te llevo siempre en mi conciencia

cuando ries siento gozo y si se que lloras me destroso

y si fuese acaso por mi causa

moriria entonces por mi farza

este lamento lo escribo con tan solo un motivo

que sepas que es por ti por lo que vivo

llamo vida al imaginar el ser feliz junto a ti

pero sobre todo al desear contigo compartir

llamo vida al que tu estes aqui

pero sobre todo, el desear la felicidad para ti

y por eso entiendo porque sufro asi

mi vida no es vida sino estas aqui.

si pienso que no te tengo soy muy infeliz

La anterior fue la primera y la mas significativa. llena y expresa todo lo que sentia por ella en ese momento. Era un sentimiento muy fuerte como el que nunca habia sentido.

He estado aqui sentado por casi una hora y por mas que lo intntento, no puedo dejar de pensar en ti. Por alguna razon, siempre esta en mi mente y no es exageracion lo que te escribo.

Te explicare: Las dos ultimas noches casi no he dormido. Mi mente estaba trabajando en todo tipo de ideas y cada una de ellas se asociaba a ti. Despues de mucho intentarlo, por ahi de las 4 de la mañana me pude dormir, pero cuando me desperte lo primero que pense fue en ti.

Si voy en el autobus, prefiero ir solo porque si voy con otra persona debo hacer un gran esfuerzo para sostener una conversacion coherente con ella, puies mi mente se concentra mas en ti que en otra cosa. Lo mas seguro es que estes pensando que soy un cobarde por esconderme tras una carta sin firma pero te dire porque te escribo en realidad y la razon por la cual no firmo .

Si recibiste esta carta debeas haver recibido otra con una especie de lamente ) espero te halla gustado, es de mi propia inspiracion. Yo nunca habia escrito un poema en mi vida hasta que te conoci. El que te envie no fue el primero qhue he escrito, han habido varios Pero esta vez no pude controlarme más y te lo envie. Jamas le habia escrito poemas a nadie. Lo hago contigo porque despiertas cualquie cantidad de pensamientos positivos en mi e irradias sentimientos con los cuales siento mucha identificacion

Tengo un problema. Al momento de hablar las ideas se me escapa. Se asustan y salen huyendo de mi mente. En la carta encontre las formas de expresar exactamente lo que siento y lo quiero decir. Te las envio sin firma solo por darle un aire de suspenso al asunto, pero no te aburras que pronto sabras con certeza quien soy.

No es la primera vez que me enamoro de alquien he pasado por miles de enamoramientos de todo tipo: (Plationicos, infantiles, juveniles, fantsias de toda especie.) Pero nunca he llorado por alquien. Nunca hasta ahora.

En otras ocasiones ansío el abrazar, acarisiar, besar a la mujer de quien me he enamorado, pero contigo eso pasa a segundo plano. Primero me gusta oir tu voz, verte, saber lo que piensas, el poder ayudarte, el que me puedas ayudar. Esta primero el respetarte como persona y como mujer, respetar tus ideas, tu forma de pensar.

Fisicamente me fascinas. Me encanta tu forma de caminar, tus ademanes, te considero una de las mujeres mas atractivas que conozco. Me gusta ver tus cejas, modo en que te arreglas el cabello, me gusta tu manera de vestir. En realidad me gusta todo de ti.

Mientras escribo estas lineas solo tengo que cerrar los ojos para verte y de inmediato surge algo mas que escribir. Pero todo lo que empieza tiene un final. Si no fuera por eso estaria aqui sentado por mucho, mucho rato. Deseo conocerte mejor. Pero esto me asusta, ahora te conozco poco y ya puedo intuir cosas especiales de ti. No se que pasa conmigo, no se por que razon te digo algunas cosas solo se que todo lo que he escrito es verdad.

Realmente no se que quiero obtener con esto, aparte de que sepas lo que siento por ti. Pero quiero que sepas que no espero nada de ti mas que una cosa... Tu sinceridad!

Quiero que si tienes algo que decirme me lo digas con toda sinceridad. No intentes suavizar nada porque si percibo algun aire de compasion me dolera mucho mas que si me dijeras la verdad.

Te digo esto porque pienso hablar contigo sobre estas cartas y lo que he dicho en ellas y me siento preparado para cualquier reaccion. No espero ningun tipo de comprmiso todo lo que pido es que se me permita acercarme a ti.

Al mismo tiempo durante mi epoca universitaria cuando mi relacion con Xani no fructifico empeze tambien a escribir muchos poemas y pensamientos muchos de los cuales sito a continuacion:

pido

estoy sentado aqui ostinado como un loco y es algo que no puedo evitar porque estoy perdidamente confundido en este juego de la vida. pido una guía, una ayuda. alguna forma de atenuar la oscuridad que me invade e indefine como ser. la vida no me ha enseñado a vivir y deseo hacerlo, deseo vivir. pero es duro el lograrlo, es duro existir. es un sentirse solo, un ¿porque vivir? no es un clamo suicida, no deseo morir. lo que pido es una vida, pido existir.

I´m sitting in the classroom boring down to death, trying no to

sleap, while I´m thinking on my bed. I look out through the

window and I watch the people go, while I think to my self

when will this guy let us go.

Have yor ever felt so bored that you wisk you could sleep.

Those times when you´re trying to. Sitting there, thinking about

her. Is like tourturing my self cause I know I´ll never have her,

but it´s just like.....

jessie

como una cancion en la madrugada, se olle el canto de una

niña que corre, salta y se desgarra. cuando juega con las

viñas.

Su alma busca una oración, su cuerpo exita en gran clamor.

es como si su pensamiento clamara en su canción pidiendo

para sí un gran amor

los verdaderos amigos se hieren con la verdad para no

destruirse con la mentira.

tu

tu que eres el pensar de mis pensares

tu que ocupas mi imaginación

tu mas grande que los mares

tu la que provoca mi enagenacion

siento que mi vida no lo era antes de ti

y que si no te tengo aquí sera dificil existir

porque eres tu la que alimenta mi ser

y esto nace porque por ti aprendi a querer

Si crees que estoy loco, que no tengo solucion

crees lo correcto, estoy perdido en el amor

quiero escribirte, comunicarte mi pasión

en mis noches de soledad tu eres la que llena mi imaginacion

es algo extraño lo que pasa con el amor

si antes no lo conoces vives bien y sin dolor

pero después de que llega y te toca el corazon

tu vida se deforma y se llena de pasion

pasion que te invade y alimenta tu razon

pero ruin la sensación de estar solo en tu canción

por eso te pido alimentarme con tu cariñó

pues en esto del amor, sigo siendo un niño

el cielo y el infierno

digamos que estoy bien

digamos que todo esta O.K.

digamos que yo lo supere

digamos que se fue

digamos que mi vida marcha con direccion

digamos que marcha con mi orientacion

digamos que la vidano es tan mala

digamos inclusive que me agrada.

pero la realidad no se vasa en lo que decimos

es mas bien en lo que somos.

mi problema es que no se como ser

y eso es frustrante. Mi mente no lo soporta.

necesito, si necesito, pero realmente no se

que es lo que necesito.

por favor estoy pidiendome, me estoy preguntando

como puedo ser.

a shit day

I know a shit day when I see it

and today is one of them

the morning is only half gone

and I´m already feeling auknocious

a shit day, that´s what I´m having

I hope for changes for the better

because I really feel like I´m loosing

but I really don´t know what I´m loosing

dont tell me things can only get better

cause that I know

what I want is my day to change

cause having a shit day is bound to ruin it

let´s say it´s not that bad

let´s say I´m making to big of a deal

then way am I´m hurting my self

way can´t I feel happy more than 3 hours

shit day, that´s what I´m having

he visto el cielo caer

tu mirada estrmecer

y a mi madre llorar

sentado qui junto a mi

mi destino me hace sufrir

debo salir

no debes ser tan feliz

pues tu destino ya está aqui

y no te espera

se acabo tu correr

llegaste al final

tu

eres una exaltacion

que agita mi corazon

eres como un gorrion

que provoca en mi gran sensacion

mi vida se ve iluminada

por tu sola presencia

siento una pasion controlada

tan solo por mi respeto hacia tí

desearia, estuvieras a mi lado

para poder decirte ase que

es por tu existir que

siento mi corazon latir

el calor del sol en un dia sin nubes

se compara solo con el sobrecogimiento

que siento al verte sonreir

¿como puedo ser feliz?

si mi vida me gustara en su totalidad

si yo disfrutara su complejidad

si supiera quien soy y quien quiero ser

si dejara de temer el saber que no se

si no dependiera de la justificacion de los demas

si tuviera siempre energia para hacer lo que quiero

si supiera exactamente lo que deseo

si tan solo conociera lo que es un te quiero

si mi corazon no se endureciera por dar tanto amor

y nunca recibir nada.

si mi mente no me ilusionara con cosas que deseo

y que no pasan

si los esfuersos que hago por cambiar mi vida funcionaran

si pudiera dejar de escribir estos clamos de dolor y confusion

si existiera en este mundo un ser que me comprendiera

si encontrase, tal vez, alquien que me quiera.

deseos

deseo ser mi propia utopia

deseo llegar hasta donde puedo

deseo estar donde todo es bello

deseo porque debo

debo desear para mantener la ilusión

la ilusion de algo bueno que llene el corazon

debo desear para poder sobrevivir

en un mundo donde es dificil existir

deseo por, deseo por mi

deseo la vida y la felicidad

pero no todo es deseo y soledad

la vida es vida, algo bueno tendra.

algo me ha sucedido

algo me ha sacudido

en tu presencia me siento niño

deseo que me des tu cariño

es un sentimiento concebido

por que

el invento del amor reacciona con dolor.

la creacion sin fin empieza y termina.

donde todo acaba, algo empieza.

donde algo empieza, algo acaba.

el vuelo del rey, el canto del aquila

sonrie el sentenciado, llora el curado

cambia todo, y todo permanece

la muza somete al marino que promete

creo saber lo que se

pero no se si comprendo

lo que creo entender

no siento inspiracion en mi corazon

razon por la cual no encuentro pasion

pero en el fondo se que no es asi

la calle es oscura y muy transitada

tropieso con gente con corazon sin alma

reconozco en ellos algun dolor

que es el mismo que refleja mi soledad.

pensar que he llegado hasta aqui

solo

vague, soñe, llore, y me decepcione

solo

ame, entregue, sufri y sacrifique

solo

no creo que sea bueno el vivir asi

solo

pero la vida es muy corta y muy dura, y muy bella para estar...

solo

que es lo que pienso de mi

de mi pienso que...

soy capaz de hacer lo que desea

de ser amado y necesitado

puedo lograr lo que desea, siempre y cuando

sea dedicado y ordenado

podria hacer felices a muchas personas

siempre y cuando me pudiera hacer feliz a mi mismo

puedo ayudar a otros a encontrarme,

despues de que yo me halla encontrado

soy como un abismo sin fin

donde todo es oscuro.

soledad

veo muertes azules, siento tu desnudez

clamo sinceridad de mente, me das habla solamente

el cielo canta tu mentira, el mar enciende las llamas

no separa la vida, dos distintas

la mia que viaj sobre rieles sin curvas

la tuya cuya atraccion repele la fusion

veo muertes azules, siento tu desnudez

el desborde de arrepentimiento, la atenuación de la claridad

la soledad clara compañera, in ironica pelea

vuela el sol con la luna, eterna compañera

más solo uno en el cielo, uno en cada revuelo

cancion que canta la mente, y que la boca no siente

veo muertes azules, siento tu desnudez.

Sueñós

En el seno de mi mente se baña la luna en el mar

con el valor de una nuez, veo el oro desaparecer

estando en el fondo llego al principio y en el fin el nacimiento

no con el nacimiento llega la vida pero si el remordimiento

Cause it´s time

you know what I am saying and remember all the joy

that you have put up inside and you never even knew

that it could show even a spark as dark as a glow

then it is that where we all are heading at

we won´t be albe to undesrtand, if you leave it in our hand

we won´t be able to receive the wisdom to belive

yo siento el mundo cantando, siento al cielo gritar

en el fondo del alma un llanto, se confunde solo en el mar

la vida es dura y pega, mejilla roja sin par

manos rotas y solas rompen al orar.

The wonder of time as a track in the mind

it shows different ways, but never leads to a single place.

I´m saying love, life is untrue, behing in love could help you

all I´m saying is look at our self, we´ll find out why there´s still empty shells

all I´m saying is life isn´t always what we want it to be

but we should make the most of it, cause it´s only one that will ever have

and if it shouldn´t be waisted, that would be to sad

It is not easey when you are alone, and growing up is not just singing a song

no that´s not what life is all about, tears sorrow and pain, that´s what makes you shout

time and time and time and time again, you´ll know pain as a living friend

It´s here and now where you´re at, and it ´s up to you to change what ever

brings you down, make you cry, say goodbye, to all those corners in your life

hey! Fight for what you got, so you´ll never fight for what you had

THE

find out about the time we were alone

think what could´ve happened; and did not

say may be to the impossible of logic

and never look back after faith

Jueves 21 de Julio de 1994 12:26 a.m.

Finalmente he vuelto a encontrarme con el deseo de poner mis pensamientos por escrito, despues de siete meses. Estos siete meses... no se como tomarlos, he leido lo que escribi en aquel entonces y quiero decir que en cierto modo me alegro. Pude notar como atraves de los dias algo cambiaba en mi forma de escribir, llegue en esas cortas paginas a identificarme conmigo mismo. ¿Que quiero decir con identificarme conmigo mismo?. Intentare explicarlo de este modo. Las primeras estrofas de estas cronicas estan muy llenas de palabras, frases, oraciones e ideas que en cierto modo llegan a ser tediosas, aburridas o con tendencia depresiva, conforme fueron avanzando las paginas y los relatos esas actitudes tan negativas se fueron tornando en reflexiones que al leerlas en estos momentos provocan en mi satisfaccion al servirme de punto de referencia para poder comparar como y que pensaba yo en aquellas epocas.

Voy a decir algo con respecto al asunto Xani. No creo que yo lo halla podido superar completamente. Llevo poco mas de mes y medio de no verla pero en la ultima ocacion en que me la tope no tuve la mejor reaccion posible, pongamoslo de esa manera. Lo cual me lleva a pensar que definitivamente tendre que volver a hablar del tema en un futuro espero no muy lejano. Por lo pronto contare que sucedio con la ultima vez que salimos, porque si debo decir que sí volví a salir con Xani. Este hecho vino a raíz de una conversacíon que tuviera con mi amigo Esteban. Yo venia hace tiempo nombrande de vez en vez a la muchacha, lo cual le dio a Esteban base junto con otros detalles, para pensar que yo necesitaria hacer algo sobre la situacion para darle un punto final a ese capitulo de mi vida y seguir adelante con nuevas conquistas.

Debi llenarme de mucho valor para realizar aquella llamada que me aconsejara mi amigo, de hecho espere a que mi estado de animo estuviera muy elevado para poder llevar una conversacion interesante con la muchacha. (tal es el efecto que todavia me causa, debo admitirlo, por lo menos ante mi mismo), en fin, la conversacion telefonica fue mejor de lo que yo me esperaba, de hecho quedamos en salir ese fin de Ésemana. La conversacion fue un martes y debi esperarme hasta el domingo para poder verla. Admitiré que estaba muy nervioso de volver a salir con ella. Pero el volver a verla, el haberla llamado tenia un proposito. Debia averiguar que estaba pensando ella en la epoca en que yo trataba de enamorarla. Finalmente llego el dia Domingo, dia en el cual amaneci con tremenda depresion y ganas de no hacer nada. Habiamos quedado en que yo la llamaria para finiquitar los detalles de la salida. Tuve que armarme de valor para tan siquiera hacer esta llamada (tenia mucho miedo, tal vez de descubrir que en tanto tiempo en realidad yo, como ser humano, no habia aprendido nada sobre mi... ) Afortunadamente, al igual que la anterior, esta llamada tambien fue muy bien. Cuando llegue a recogerla a su casa lucia hermosa e inmediatamente volvi a sucumbir ante mis debilidades aun cuando pude mantener hasta cierto punto una conversacion por largo rato, aun cuando yo tenia un importante proposito para esta salida no recaude suficientes agallas para abordar el tema y la tarde se fue en lo que se ha ido siempre mi relacion con ella en nada (comida, y cine). Definitivamente debo hacer algo por esta situación. Lo que puedo agragar a este triste relato amoroso es que solo debo mantener una actitud serena ante la nena y darle punto final al dilema.

En realidad tenia planeado escribir mucho mas pero ya ha entrado la madrugada y los parpados pesan sobre mis ojos y mis energias flaquean, aun tengo mucho que decir, pero por ahora debo dormir. Mañana es un día de trabajo para mi y debo estar en pie muy temprano. Pero me dio gusto el charlar un rato, buenas noches.

Agosto 16 1994 11:51 p.m.

He estado leyendo estas cronicas y van bien. Me gustan aun podrian decir mas pero poco a poco ire adquiriendo experiencia para relatar mejor las cosas. Recientemente empeze tambien a escribir en mi diario reflexiones y pensamientos que ire transmitiendo a estas cronicas paulatinamente.

En este nivel de mi vida ya muchas cosas han cambiado desde que empeze a escribir y ademas faltan algunos de esos cambios. Tales como el de la Corporacion; ya no existe como mi propiedad. En una primera instancia la deshice y forme sociedad con Leonardo Mena. Trabaje con el durante cuatro meses aproximadamente. Renuncie porque la remuneracion Éeconomica no era lo que yo deseaba. De hecho eso fue mas que todo culpa mia. Yo acepte recibir el 10% de lo que hiciera la empresa de la sociedad Unos cuarentamil colones aproximadamente por mes, ademas de cancelar una deuda de 140000.00 colones al antiguo socio de Leonardo pagandole 20000.oo colones por mes. Obiamente no me quedaba mucho con que subsistir. Pasaba la mayor parte del mes sin dinero. Y ahora veo por que pasaron cuatro meses en que no hice absolutamente nada para mejorar mi calidad de vidad. Al renunciar con el continue trabajando hasta el momento en Playa Flamingo con Hubert. Ahora mis ingresos son de 80000.00 colones por mes. Debo viajar todos los jueves y regreso los lunes de cada semana. Eventualmente he de pasar una que otra semana completa en Guanacaste.

En muchas de las noches que he pasado ahi he aprovechado para hacer algunas de las reflexiones de las que hablaba anteriormente las cuales escribire a continuacion:

Julio 29,1994

Where do I want to be 5 years from now, when I am 30. The way things are right now is not O.K. I perceive that the people around me are worried about my future apparently more than I am. I´ve never stopped and think about what I want to do, or sat down and plan something on my own laying out the way it was going to be done.

I find that I am very disorganize. My mind works very fast, sometimes so much that I don´t even realize when it did something. Now I want to change the way I do things and actually getting some results; instead of going through life on a drift, with no traced route:

I wanted to study Bussinnes Administration but I find that I am not the type to acquire knowledge now, store it with out applying it in actual practice and then trying to get back to it when I need it.

I want to put up a restaurant (I see now that it is any real bussinness). I made some figures on it and found out I don´t have enough money for it and in order to get it I would Probably have to not study.

Now, If I don´t get a degree now, 5 years from now I will be sitting on a chair in some reception, not doing what I want.

Hey this is what it all comes down to.

what do I want to Do

For sure I want to keep playing my Music

I do want to make a difference. so this is how I am going to lay it out:

To get a degree and a steady job. Once thi job is here start on the restaurant (any bussiness) stuff with my own back up. And from there will go on having another little talk like this one.

July 30 3:21 a.m. Sunday

Today something bothere me, didn´t now what it was, just didn´t wan to go to bed with out acknowleging it. Felt lonely. This must change.

August 9, 1994

Well, this is what I came up with. Do the action of what you want to be:

if you want to be ordered. then order sutff, keep things in order. If you want to be happy and so on, take action, and of course a complement of this is Force and Control. But the question is “of what”; of “you” of course. Your will. Force yourself to take action as this is the only way you get consequences of anything. And now that I think about it, it will be necesary for you to be honest about it

August 11,94

I am trying to work out a concept of the reason for life, so far I think that all problems, confusions, and desagreements come from the level of greatness that the person envolved in the situation has. We are souls that keep coming back life after life, with only one purpose: To learn to live in harmony with everything else. Achieve understanding. Therefore you have people who are very nice, gentle. People who, when you look carefully into them; you will see they take problems and life in a different way than others do. They take it with greatness. I believe that these people are older souls, they have been coming around for a long time and have achieved a high level of peace with themself and are able to reach other people with it. They are usually looked at as special persons, with great personalities, and now that I look at it, they will slow down on this proccess if they do not realize this matter: “that they are here to learn and rise to higher states of life and that this will be transfered to their childrens and will attract the same kind of people around them.”

Agosto 19,1994

Interrumpiendo patrones de comportamiento

Getting leverage. Patron: “No puedo ser expontaneo con las Chicas”

1Quiero una chica especial

2mi vida se siente vacia solo

3hay muchas mujeres con las que deseo estar

1 I must change as it is not normal not to have a girl (I feel lonely and incomplete)

2 debo cambiar porque las buenas mujeres se acaban (y yo quiero una buena mujer)

3 debo cambiar para curar las secuelas de Xani

4 Debo cambiar para que todos los años que he pasado aprendiendo a llevarme mejor con la gente sea de provecho, de lo contrario me sentire muy decepcionado

5 debo cambiar porque debo cambiar

6 debo cambiar porque no quiero otra Xani, Mari Paz,Alicia, Ana, Adriana, Janory en mi vida.

7debo cambiar porque es hora de afrontar la realidad de crecer y madurar y yo soy el unico responsable

porque se que lo puedo hacer

porque todo en la vida se aprende

August 23, 1994

I am continuing the Personal Power program, in doing so estoy repasando las cosas que escribi y siento como he superado muchos de esos sentimientos, se ven lejanos. ahora deseo analizar mi vida y ver que es lo que he hecho de ella, ver que he aprendido en los ultimos años y darle una dirección. Voy a programar mi cerebro para triunfar y lo hare por mi. porque asi lo deseo. Siento las cosas en mi cabeza mas ordenadas, tengo mas entusiasmo y energía. Decido hacer algo y tomo acción en ello y generalmente me gusta el resultado. Esto es bueno.

Estando en esta pagina de mi vida, llego al parrafo en el que al fin puedo definirme como yo. Yo soy quien deseo ser. Feliz de mi proceder, que aprendo de mis errores y aprendo de mis alrededores. Vivo una vida sencilla, que en este punto aun esta vacia. Camino hacia la busqueda de la verdad y me encuentro ante el principio del resto de mis dias. Soy hombre al fin con errores y defectos, virtudes debo tener las cuales manifiesto. Pretendo sentimientos de honradez, sinceridad, paz para conmigo, mis amigos y semejantes. La vida es el peor regalo que se le puede dar a quien no sabe vivir, pero enseñale lo que es y le enseñaras a existir. Wab.

Agosto 30, 1994 11:41 p.m.

Estoy continuadno el programa. Lo hago para tener una guia de como dirigir y diseñar mi vida. Precisamente debo listar las areas de mi vida que no me satisfacen. Pero antes un entremes.

Hay una sister que me gusta. Class, style, seemed smart, I´ll do my best to approach her, fast.

Cosas con las que no estoy feliz:

mi vida amorosa; mis finanzas;

Creencias adicionales por las cuales me debo regir en la vida para fijar metas y alcanzarlas:

I deserve better

I can do better

I will do better

Things can only get Better

Personal development goal

I want the woman of my dreams

I want to be a great D.J.

I want to feel proud of my achievements (I want to feel happy as I see my mother Friends and Familiy proud about me)

I wanna learn about computers

I want to Speak German, Italian, French and Japaneesse

I wanna Fly Helicopter and Airplanes

I wanna radiate peacefullness to every one around me

I want people to look up to me

I want me to look up to me

I want to learn all about life

I wanna write a book

I wanna grow old and in perfect health

I wanna suel life

I wanna jump in paracaidas

I wanna play the piano

I wanna help a lot of people come out of Ignorance of life

I want to be happy

I wnat to Have a body that looks and feels great

I want to direct, instruct other people

I want to learn from people the best there is in life

I want to be a lider in life

now coments on the above

I want the woman of my dreams

a companion is something I really wnat. It is having someone to lean on and who would probably lean on me too. Someone I can come to and would make me feel loved. The mother mother of my childrens, a good one too even better than mine

I want to feel happy as I see my mother, friends and family proud about me. Because that would mean that I am doing good things, that probably are helping other people that is definetely more than good, It means that I can help and have helped other people because for you to help others effectively you have to be o.k. yourself.

I want to be al lider in Life

I want to do this because it requieres knowledge of human behavior and good relation ships. humans need someone to direct them as they don´t know were they are going. I can teach them how to use their mind and evolve

Thing Goals

I wanna good car,

An airplane

an Helicopter

a house with a bridge over the swiming pool in the midle of the room

I want a trip to europe

I want my own music studio

Í want a Huge Bussness

I want a video-audio system That´s over a million colones

I want a house on a beach

I want a trip to the Us

I want a cellular line

I want one executive lifesttyle

Comments on the above

I wanna good Car

It will allow me to move around better. It will gime me a social status, It will give me the oprtunity to go out with the people I really care to go with.

I Want a cellular line

It will keep me in contact at any time if I want to. It will be part or my executive status, I could help save lives just by having it. It will make me feel important, it will make me feel like a little kid with a great toy.

I want a huge bussness

That is where the money is going to come from to help all the people I wanna help, where I´ll acquiere ability to command, where my financial support will come from, where I will be helping many lives.

Economic goal

I wanna get in my hands 250.000.00 colones month

I wanna bussiness worth over 10 million colones

I wanna invest in social activities over 10 million

Comments on the above

I wanna get in my hands 250.000.00 month

I can get loans, live good, pay an my house, aprtment, go out, be confortable amogst my friends.

November 10,1994 6:26 p.m.

I´ve been reading what I wrote before, and the changes has been excelent. I feel successfull. I get people telling how good a D.J. I am. I still need to work on the girl part but I´m getting there.

What is really important is that I realize that every thing I´ve done in my life has been O.K. every single thing has evolved into a cualidad I´ve developed

Scientology game me, admin Skillls, Human relations, Bussiness, responsability taking

Tony Robbins planing, taking action, focusing

Dale Carnegie looking at things from other peoples point of view, dealing with people etc.

I am on the track to something good, only that could give me this wonderfull feeling of self confidence. Somethig I just realized, is that, I need to raise my general level of energy

“NO MATTER WHAT, HAVE FUN IN WHAT EVER I DO, LOOK AT IT LITE BUT SUCCESFULLY”

December 8,1994

I am sitting in amberes. from here you can see a boat called “Atlantic Goose”. This boat brought me the woman of my life. Alison Tylor. a beatifull english girl who worked as a cook on this boat. She´s been on it for 5 years now, so she´s leaving it to return to england. Just 1 month and a little more is what I´ve of knowing her. She has turned me around. She is everything I´ve ever dreamed of and way beyond my wildest dreams. So after all this. I find that I´m not ready for a reltionship like this. and this moves me to analize other parts of my life that need to ve corrected. In order to be able to fully be with Ali.

I find my self being afraid of something, Insecure of my self being able to hold on to a job or to work with other people and being efficient enough. I need to give an image of profesionalism and self confidence. I know I can be successfull here in Costa Rica and on any part of the world. We have got to move on towards success.

My zodiac sign is portraited in a horoscope as people who talks a lot and take no action a dreamer. Someone you can´t trust. I know I am not like that. I know I can Learn how to take action and I can dream because from there I will get my ideas. I need my mind to be preocupaid with something. and little by little I will learn to achieve faster and bigger things.

December 11, 1994

Ali left. She is now in England with her family. For now all I will do is write to her. I really miss her. I want to mary her. She is wonderfull. I don´t want this feeling to ever leave me. I´m looking for a bar to lease. So I can buy a house-bussiness at the beach, that is where she want´s to live. -besides, this is like an additional push for me to finally get my head up. Today I learned to do a bussiness plan to find out how much money I need to do to keep a bussiness going. To everyone I´ve spoken to about my will for my own bussines, they think it is a great idea and that I have the capability of getting it done. I on the other hand know so.

Right now I feel melow with my self. I know where I stand and where I wanna get. I know there is someone on the other side of the world who loves me. And now it is up to me to make it go right for us to be together. I still have to grow my self: intellectually, economically, in my relationships, and still have to get more fun out of life while I am achieving my goals.

As part of this dairy a thing I should incorporate some of the letters I have sent to Alison as they express a lot of my feelings and thoughts during this period.

San Jose, Costa Rica. 12 December 1994

Hello Ali, I started this letter in flamingo yesterday, (sunday) but it was almost imposible to finish it then. I started writting by hand. There were so much I wanted to tell you and my handwritting is so terrible that it didnt turn out to be the letter I wanted it to be; besides this guy would not stop talking to me. I was at the mariner, terrible mistake, people were just coming in and asking me how was I doing?, was I missing you ?, etc. I then went to Amberes to work and the night was really slow and I started writting some more because the night was really slow, and the same happened. Luckly Nathalie was coming to San Jose at midnight so I took a ride with her and desided to just do the letter in the computer because I just feel better when I know it is going to be understood.

The crew went to Amberes on Friday and Saturday night. On Friday there were only Paul, Peter, Craig, and Adrianne. They had a good time. Nathalie finnaly saw Craig, they spoke and ... you know ... Sasha went in to the Casino and won some money so he also had a good time. I was doing O.K. I guess. It wasn’t really bussy. On Saturday Everyone came in, including Rebeca and Sam. Sam got drunk and was dancing the whole night and gave Paul a real hard time. You know, she was with him at one point and then she would just wonder off and tease him. He would go looking for her she would sort of talk to him and then dissappear again, so I guess Paul wasn’t very happy about the night.

Anyway I’m at home now, even doe I have to go back tomorrow to Flamingo. Right now my brother is playing the piano for me. He is showing me the way he plays “Balad for Adeline” and I have to say he is great. He just tried out for a better music School so he can learn a little more about music and tomorrow we will find out about the results.

I told Paul about your jacket and he said that he had already taking care of it. That it is boxed up and ready to be sent.

I am not a great letter writter, so please forgive any mistakes that might have slide by me. I hope it doesn’t turn out to be a boring letter.

The day you left Flamingo I was calling Hotel del Rey to make sure you had gotten there O.K. I started calling at 7:45. Asked for you; you hadn’t check in yet. I left a message, waited, you didn’t call. At 8:10 I called the Hotel again. You still had not chek in yet, I got worried, started wondering “where is this women?, Could something wrong happen to her?, Didn’t my friends go pick her up? etc. (I love you) So I called the bus station to check on your bus, to find out if it had arrive and what time did this happen. They told me it came in 20 minutes ago. So I tought that you should be checked in the Hotel del Rey by then, but you weren’t there. In all this desesperation I decide to call my house to try to find out what happened to the women of my dreams, the one I love. My sister answers the phone, I asked her for my older sister, as she was the one who was going to pick you up, she told me “she has not called yet, but wait a second” I waited. I didnt know what to expect, I was only interested in knowing “where was Ali” I was about to fall in the deepest desesperation, the world felt like not important at that moment. If my family did not know where you were, I was basicaly a dead man. I waited on the phone like a convict awaits his sentence wishing it is a “not guilty” sentence. Could it have been that something had happen and they didn’t know how to tell it to me?, Could the Lord some how decided that a beautifull love story like yours and mine should have a sad ending? All kinds of things were going trough my head. I just couldn’t be calm without knowing what was happening to someone I practically just met and who gave me the most incredible 4 weeks of my entire existence on this miserable planet, who turned my world around, who renued my energies, who somehow manage to always bring out the best in me.

And it finally happened, the only perfect ending to this apparent nightmare, the only thing that held me trough out the night that Friday night. It was better than all the orgasms I ever had put together in one split of a second. I heard your voice. I heard Angels singing in the ski. The sea was dancing at its best. the stars started shining harder, my heart stopped pounding just so my ears could clearly listen to the most beatifull sound I could ever imagine listening to. The sound of you. You the one that I will never forget no matter what happens. You the one that came to my life to wake me up to love again when I had already given up all hope on it. You the one woman in this world who now gives a real meaning to my existence. You Alison... You.

It is now the day after I started this letter and it has gotten late for me to go back to Flamingo. Although I have still much more to tell you I’ll just end this letter here and I’ll be talking to you soon.

Take care and don’t Work too much, Love you, miss you.

Faithfully yours,

Warren Barton

Letter 2 (Aprox.) 10 December, 1994

Cheers Alison! So this is my hand writting. Im going to do my best for it to be readeable, as I’m not great at writting by hand.

The first letter I sent you wasn’t the most happy thing you ever read in your life, so I’m going to make it up in this one (I hope)

Its been almost a week since you left. It already felt like a lifetime. I keep thinking of the card I gave you with that teddy bear:

“I guess the mature thing to do is just to say I’ll miss you and then get use to having you gone ...”

“Well, I’ve told you I miss you, But Ali, I will never get use to having you gone, never. and tears come to my eyes when I say this. But since I’m writting this with people around me I wont let them see me cry.

Besides that I am doing good! What can I say? I am still working at Amberes there isn’t nothing different going on there. It remanis the same as when you were here.

We’ve gotten couple of new guys. But on their first night, my boss gave them so much shit, they left the following day ( they were smart).

I can’t blame them, he isn’t an easy person to work with. Last night he was just jealing to everyone. I just stayed in my little cabin and played my music until the night finally ended around 3:30 a.m.

We had a lot of people; the fullest I’ve ever seen since I’ve been here working. Hopefully It will carry on like that from now on as we should be in the high season.

So Ali, how are you doing? How is Your Dad and Mom? /Fionna and Eon, How are they doing? What did they say when you arrived? Who went at the airport to pick you up? How long did you and your mom cried for?

England, is it poring with snow there? Is it what you expected it to be? Have you been going out lately, and, most important of all, are you having FUN!

Right now there is a beautifull moon just right over the ocean: and its light falls like a river of beauty over the silent ocean. Silent as the night that breaks in my hearth. Beacause the moon that gives such beauty to this otherwise dark sea is you, beacause the sea I am talking about, the darkness I am talking about is me and my soul.

I love you to bits and I will do what ever, to have you back by my side, only as long as you wish so.

My sister told me that she liked you a lot, so did little Vernny, my brother, they were very please to meet you and having you home. And all my friends were very sorry they didn’t meet you, and so am I. They were very pleased to know that I met a mad english girl?

Love you,

Miss you,

won’t forget you.

Letter 3

Flamingo, Costa Rica, December 27, 1994

Hello Alison! I am keeping track of time ever since you left. It has been a litlle over 2 weeks and a half. It feels as a lifetime. I only have good memories.

I spent christmas working. Playing my little music. We had a lot of people. Almost a full house. The night started slow as usual and started to pick up around 10:30; by 11:45 it was full, and we had people jumping around the dance floor up and down; all feeling very happy; well amost all, there were some that were kind of dragging them self into the chirstmas spirit but just couldn’t fool me I knew they were sad for one reason or another. (Sasha).

I, on the other hand, decided to put all my troubles away and enjoy the night. Had a lot of fun. At midnight I called my family, they were still up. ‘They always stay up past midnight for christmas an New Years. So I spoke with Vernny and my mom! It was great; to some degree I guess. It would have been better for me to be with them but ...

So, how was your christmas? where did you spend it?

(hey! what do you think of my hand writting, its getting a little better)

Flamingo got real bussy. People are just every where. They came down to the beach to spend New Years eve.

Amberes organized a whole week of live music entertainment. Even a beach concert with 3 different groups is going to be held on Friday. We are expecting at least 1500 persons for that concert and new years eve party is just going to be crazy. Just imaginge Ali, 2000 persons in little amberes. The most you ever saw was 200. (crazy). I’ll let you know how it all ended.

I haven’t heard anything from Sophie or the Goose. Sasha is suppose to be calling on the 1^st or something like that. May be you know something about Sophie or her where abouts.

Time is a funny thing. And what it does to you I’’ll never undestand.

It’s been a little over 2 weeks since you left.

And the memoris I have of us; instead of getting dimmer day after day,

they keep growing stronger and stronger.

Every image, every feeling, every kiss, every smile, everything that I can think of

just keep coming back to my mind.

strong as it was the first time, strong as my hearth can beat.

I still can feel your kisses and your hugs.

your body and it’s warmth, your smell and your eyes, your hand into mines.

I can still feel the pain of our last night. The pain of every kiss you gave me end every touch of you.

The pain of knowing that by tomorrow I would be missing you.

Time does funny things to you.

and what it does to you

I’ll never undestand.

take care

Dont forget that I love you

Warren

January 18, 1995 San Jose, Costa Rica

Hi Ali! This has been a great week! I just spent two consecutive weeks in Flamingo with out coming to San Jose. I arrived yesterday. The first thing I did was look for a letter from you (your first one) I did not see it in my room. No one was home so I felt dissapointed that it was not here. About an our later my younger sister (Janina) came in. I said:”Hi, is there a letter for me?”. She stopped for a moment, started to remember and finnally answered:”I think there is one but mom has it” I couldn’t believe I had to wait to receive your letter, so I went into her room and saw it sitting on her dresser. I read it 3 or 4 times and one more right before I went to bed that night. Great!!!.

I’ve been planning on writting you another letter. I actually started one last night but was above extra tired so I went to bed. Today as I was working on some numbers for the bar, to figure out how much money could we hearn off of it, my sister called, the youngest one again, Janina, telling me a letter had arrived for me. It was your second one. The one you wrote the night we spoke on the phone. This made my day. Receiving this two letters from you in only two days made me so very happy you would thing I am really crazy, And I am, I’m in love with you from a distance. Don’t get me wrong. What I mean is that I’ve been in love before, madly in love. I’ve even spent 2 years of my life pretending one girl I fell deeply in love with. Nothing happened then but I was hurt deep inside of me. From then it was always so hard to get involved in any other relationship. If I did get involved in one it would be very superficial, just because I was been cautious, I taught. But then you came, all the way from England. You had been wondering around the world the same way I was for 5 years until we finally met in Flamingo last year and had a romance that all my friends envy and even I can’t believe it was so wonderful. Being on the boat with you, loosing you for 3 days with out knowing anything about you when your ex-boss took the boat to Nicaragua, doing all the crazy things we did, walking on the beach with you, looking over the marina at night from the bar at the hotel and so much more wonderfull things I remember we did together and even the ones I did while I was thinking of you and so much more, it is just so extra wonderfull, I just don’t think life can ever top this.

I don’t think I will ever find a women to love more than I love you. You are by far the best thing that could ever happen to me. Just thinking that a woman like you could fall, even a little for me just drives me over the top!. I don’t really know what I am trying to say. All I know is that a simple “ I love you “ will never express how I feel inside because of you and for you. Ali Thank you for been the way you are. You are excellent!. You have made my life so much better. We were only together for a little over a month and this was more than enough to trigger of this feeling in me that has changed my life. Not until know that I am telling you this is that I realize the magnitude of the impact you have had on my life. Nothing I’ve ever done has created such shock on me like you did. I go breathless as I type this on my computer and that is how I now this feeling is more than real. It is me wishing I could be all the words in the world to fit into this letter and travel across the distance into your hands, and fall into your mind and be with you until the end of time. Even if I don’t get to spend the rest of this lifetime with you, wich if really what I want right now. Even if life decides that I can’t get everything that I want, that I’ve already gotten enough happiness by your side and does not allow me to be with you again, I will always be gracefull to life and to god, if there is one for having met you.

Please don’t cry. I am not writting all of this to have you cry. I am happy in a way that life happened the way it did. May be if you were here I would conform with that and would not try to go beyond and creat the quality of life that I would want for us. Be happy Alison. Be happy to know that across the sea, over the ocean, beyond valleys and mountains, distances we can only imagine one man is deeply in love with you, one man tells you he loves you and that same man tells you “don’t forget that I love you, and I’ll always do”.

This morning I was supposed to be getting a definity answer on this bar proyect. The basic idea is to rent a bar that is now close in a centric location in San Jose. This place is part of a big Complex that also has a Discotheque wich is also not working as such but has all the equipment necesary to do so, it is only in need of a good administration. Well the owner called me up today and ask what was it that I intended to do at his bar. I explained to him what it was but I don’t think I convinced him as he said he was going to call me again tomorrow first thing. But I think I made the mistake in the first place by handling this over the phone and not in person. So I have decided that tomorrow first thing I will be in his office convincing him of how important it is for him to have us do business there. And it has to work out right I am sure.

It is now 11:33 p.m (5:30 in englnad), So I’ll have to end this letter soon to be up bright and early tomorrow, and I am leaving back to flamingo as well. Oh! I almost forget. Let me tell you about Sascha.

He finally got over Sam. He decided that she wasn’t for him and that he wouldn’t spend his savings going to Galapagos Island, she was too old for him. ( this was all after he met Jinett, the new bartender at the Marinner Inn bar) They started going out and it was working good for them until we found out that Jinett was still unsure about her exboyfriend, who also lives in Flamingo. So she is now a girl who is confused between two men (God! I hate women like that). Anyway Sasha is surviving the whole situation. His family is going back to Canada, life in Costa Rica did not turn out to be what they had planned and Sascha is thinking of taken Jinet with him. (good luck Sasch)

Well I have to admit I my self am thinking of leaving little old Costa Rica, It is not as nice as it just to be. I am actually thinking of South Africa, I don’t know I’ve heard very nice things about the place but it is just a crazy idea. What I really want to do is race enough money to live all over the world, travel to be a citizen of the world so I wont be tied to one place and would really fell free to some degree (also one of those crazy ideas I have).

I really liked the Poem on your card. It went something like:

a poem for an Extra special friend

If I had a million pounds, I know what I would do

I would buy some extra special times, and spend them all with you

I would change It just a little by adding:

a poem for an Extra special friend

If I had a million pounds, I know what I would do

I would buy ALL the time in the world

just to spend it with you

may be I am not a great poet, but I do love you.

I did find kind of funny that you wanted to go back to a boat and work after being on The Goose for so long. But what ever you do I am with you. I am sure you will do great. And about the phone call, I was surprised to find out the two calls I made were so cheap so be expecting more of those, just let me know what your schedulle is so I can get organized. And about the time difference, don’t worry I will call after I go out dancing I find it a great way to end a happy night.

I am a little concerned about hour future we have not really planned on it at all. I would like to hear if you have taugh about it. What are we going to do. And please remember I am not putting any kind of preasure on you. This is because, do you remeber the night you guys came back from the trip to Nicaragua? you came in the cabin and told me you needed to talk to me and later you told me you did not like to be presured. Remember that night, I taught this was funny, but I did take it seriuos if you understand what I mean? What ever you decide we should do is fine with moi (french) and if you think we should work it out together or if we should wait until we see each other, I don’t know. May be your head is clearer than mine.

Hey beautifull, Don’t forget that I love you, I hope to see you soon,

Warren Barton J.

P.S. Say Hi! to your mom and your dad. ( I tought he was a great guy over the phone, made me feel real good. Also say hello to Fionna and Eon, Sophie as well ( I’ll be writting her now that I know where she is) Take care

I think of my self as a great guy who is respected by the people who surrounds him because he respexts them. I´ve come along way but this is just the beginning and the rest can only be better. I´ve accomplished what I wanted D.J. wise, actually I created a monster. People only expect that form me. nothing but good music. So I want this to be over now and kext is being a great bar, disco, restaurant, owner with the most friends, and succesfull bussines, I´m ussually succesfull and I enjoy doing what I want.

December 16, 1994

In the last couple of days, I´ve been taking action in moving toward my goal: “Earning a lot of money”. I´ve spoken with my father about the lot. Spoke to my sister about it. But I still need to do the most important thing which is spexak with leo about Kalua. I have to change my assciations about speakint to people, because what I have come to realize is that that is what it is all about: “communicating”. Proyecting my self to other people. Need to proyect my ideas with force, strongly, don´t allow set backs. And I still miss Alison.

December 17,1994

This is how I really Feel. Upset. Really Upset. I am been positive, but I´m really upset.

December 18,1994

I´ve been concentrating on what I don´t have, (car, my own house with a bridge over the living room swimming pool, my own bussiness, my girl, etc.) Forgat about what I do have, and who have I become. The result of this is what I wrote yesterday wich takes me directly to no where, also it is not been as happy as I could be now, low energy level and we all now where that is going to take me, yeah! that´s right! ABSOLUTELY NO WHERE. And the worse part is that I will happen painfully.

So let´s take a look at what is really happening right now:

1. Me thinking of leaving Amberes:because I´ve stopped getting into trouble by not taking action on my post. Not getting music. Not looking about bands and activities for amberes. I´ve got to remember I am still what I am. Amberes D.J. with my duties as well. So I must do them and I know fun is a must while I´m doing so.

2 Getting Kalua going under Steven and I direction. All I have to do right now is get Leo to tell me “yes” Warren, you and Steven will run Kalua for now and the we will go on from there using what we already know.

3 Alison. Yeah! she had to come up in this talk. I love her and I want to mary her. She is now in England, I´m here, I can call her if I really wanted to. I will visit next year. If she doesn´t want to mary me. Well such is life but It still goes on.

So for now get those energy level Sky High and way above that. because things can only get better. Have fun, remember that “todos los dias desde todos los puntos de vista voy de mejor en mejor y me divierto haciendolo”.

January 2,1995

Couple of things I´ve done that I wan´t to tell you. A couple of days before christmas I was at Larry´s bar, doing nothing. When I started talking to this guy from colombia who was doing the interior decoration for the Fantasias Flamingo hotel. His name was Victor. From the first moment I met him he impresed me. Victor has a way of expresing him self with such beauty, it amazed me. He got me caught up into his convesation. His emotions were so well expressed, I could feel the pain he was feeling. The pain of being adicted to alcohol, the pain of being alone on christmas time witn no friends, no family, no girl. The pain of having spent a lot of money on other people by buying them drinks, trying to win their friendship only to find out, as it always happens, that when the money was gone so where they.

So I listened to Victor, I got sumerged into his conversation. Ang then I starte recalling many other times where I´ve been listening t people complining about their life and their self not realizing the great value they are and the power they can have over their own life. Victor was a person that had an instant charm while he was talking. I was thinking “ This man, who came to this country alone, poor, is now making more money that I ever did, he could do whatever he wants, he could run the hotel he is building, he could get any job he wanted, he culd do anything. But he didn´t think so, he was absorted by his loneleness. He felt failed on his relation ships and that feeling was so big, it extended to other areas of his life.

And that´s when I realized, I couldn´t just sit there and see this man get himself overwelmed with this suppossed tragedy. I started giving him a talk on life, based on my experience and other people that I know. I showed him how he is the one responsible for himself and how he could and should change every thing he doesnt like right now, because he had the power. He was underestimting him self.

He appreciated the talk and I did as well. I could throully see that I really had helped the man, that I got something started into him that in the future if he was lucky enough to try something to change his situation he would remember about me. And it helped me too, that day was feeling down and lost my perspective of life, my life. I was about to give up on the things I believed. I was actually feeling exactly what Victor expressed. Lack of enough faith in my self, in the future, in the people around me. This was affecting my desire to be happy to really live life the way I wanted to. I was thinking that it was going to be difficult to have Alison back here with me and wondered about all the little things that we would have to go through in order to get togethe and stay together.

And after what I told Victor, after I saw in him what I couldn´t see in me, after I realized how down I was putting my self, I applied what I proffesed and came to the conclusion “no matter what it takes, I´ll get Ali back by my side, as long as she wants to come back. on my hand it will happen and soon”

I can do it. It is that important to me. I´ve come a long way

January 9, 1995

5 emotions that makes me feel unhappy

Deppressed

I sit down and think on the things I don´t have

I don´t do simple things I am supposed to do

I don´t talk to people

I sit down and feel tired and hungry

Anger

I´m in the cabin

I set my mind on the way I wan´t to do something and do not like other people to tell me to change it.

Disppear

I decide on something to happen. I don´t find how to do it. because it´s to huge.

Not fitting

I sit in a group and don´t talk

I wonder about

I´m not there

Boring

I think about how I have nothing interesting to say

I feel as if people won´t listen to me

I decide no to say anything

January 19, 1995 9:30 a.m.

I am sitting in the lobby of the owner of the bar I want to rent. He called yesterday, said he was going to give me an answer today. I felt the answer was going to be no, so I deceded to tackle the problem form it´s roots. Talk to him in person. Came early this morning. He´s not here yet. They don´t know what time he is coming in. I´ll wait I must speak to him, he must undestand the magnitude of this so that is why I´m here, to get this stupid bar thing done once and for all. Yes! (he said no!, we should try 8 events, 2 months and then we would see).

Alison sent me a letter sating that she wanted us to remain as good friend and the following letter was my first reaction although it was not sent.

March 8, 1995, Flamingo, Costa Rica

Alison Hi! It´s been a week since I got your letter. I couldn´t believe it. I had to read it 3 or 4 times. I am sitting here at Amberes; listening to Enya, very mellow music, calm and relax, very inspiring. It is just the right music for me right now. Sad.

Really, How could you expect me to handle something like that. In fact it took me over a week before I could make my mind up to write this letter I´m also finding it difficult to find the words I am using here.

The thing about your letter is this: In your last paragraph you stated something like: “I could understand if you don´t want to see me or write me any more”

O.K.! This is it straight out: How could you expect me not wanting to see you or talk to you again. I can perfectly handle the choice of being just friends, I was expecting it. But you also have to remember that I said I love you. And love also includes respect. And I can perfectly respect and understand your choice in being just friends. But this is not enough reason for a man like me to take a meaningles attittude like not wanting to see you or talk to you again.

Remember, I said I love you and I meant It. I said I would always love you. And I am a man of word. Alison we ca regard each others as friendas as you wich but there is no reason for closing communication.

Enya is still playing. Her music is wonderfull, makes me feel better, the only thing right now is that I could really feel certain about the reasons you gave for your choice. Don´t forget to call when you need a friend (506-226-1792) I will always be there

April 9, 1995

Well here I am again 4 months after my last talk. I will start by saying that my girlfriend Alison has decided for us to be just friends. That´s it on that.

Since what happened with the last Bar I tried to rent, now I am pretty close to get Kalua. On the 17^thth I will be headin to San Jose and work on the final proposal to the owner. I have steven with me and probably Yamileth as well. Leo owns Kalua and we want to have him invest with us on it. All this is fine let you know on it later. Right now I want to state my rules for Warren´s Happy Living (WHL)

Be responsable, do your actions

I,m O.K.

I´m O.k. because I´m important for myself.

Wednesday 3, May 1995

Dear Alison,

I received your last letter. I am sorry I didn´t answer before but I am trying to make things work out for me but I am not doing as well as I would like to, but I am getting there; and part of it is writting you this letter.

In regards to your last letter about us, I don’t know what do you do with the letters that I sent you, if s\you saved them or not but just in case you didn’t here is a copy of a segment in the last one I sent you dated January 18:

Receiving this two letters from you in only two days made me so very happy you would thing I am really crazy, And I am, I’m in love with you from a distance. Don’t get me wrong. What I mean is that I’ve been in love before, maddly in love. I’ve even spent 2 years of my life pretending one girl I falled deeply in love with. Nothing happened then but I was hurten deep inside of me. From then it was always so hard to get envolved in any other relationship. If I did get envolved in one it would be very superfitial, just because I was been cautios, I taguht. But then you came, all the way from England. You had been wondering around the world the same way I was for 5 years until we finally met in Flamingo last year and had a romance that all my friends envy and even I can’t believe it was so wonderfull. Being on the boat with you, loosing you for 3 days with out knowing anything about you when your ex-boss took the boat to Nicaragua, doing all the crazy things we did, walking on the beach with you, looking over the marina at night from the bar at the hotel and so much more wonderfull things I remember we did together and even the ones I did while I was thinking of you and so much more, it is just so extra wonderfull, I just don’t think life can ever top this.

I don’t think I will ever find a women to love more than I love you. You are by far the best thing that could ever happen to me. Just thinking that a woman like you could fall, even a little for me just drives me over the top!. I don’t really know what I am trying to say. All I know is that a simple “ I love you “ will never express how I feel inside because of you and for you. Ali Thank you for been the way you are. You are excellent!. You have made my life so much better. We were only together for a little over a month and this was more than enough to trigger of this feeling in me that has changed my life. Not until know that I am telling you this is that I realize the magnitude of the impact you have had on my life. Nothing I’ve ever done has created such shock on me like you did. I go breathless as I type this on my computer and that is how I now this feeling is more than real. It is me wishing I could be all the words in the world to fit into this letter and travel across the distance into your hands, and fall into your mind and be with you until the end of time. Even if I don’t get to spend the rest of this lifetime with you, wich if really what I want right now. Even if life decides that I can’t get everything that I want, that I’ve already gotten enough happiness by your side and does not allow me to be with you again, I will always be gracefull to life and to god, if there is one for having met you.

Please don’t cry. I am not writting all of this to have you cry. I am happy in a way that life happened the way it did. May be if you were here I would conform with that and would not try to go beyond and creat the quality of life that I would want for us. Be happy Alison. Be happy to know that across the sea, over the ocean, beyond valleys and mountains, distances we can only imagine one man is deeply in love with you, one man tells you he loves you and that same man tells you “don’t forget that I love you, and I’ll always do”.

Nothing of this has changed. It takes a very special woman to make a man feel like this. I do spend some time thinking about. remembering the time we spent together. but it fills me up with joy to know that you are there and that we met. I think we can still be friends despite the distance. There is only one thing I am going to ask of you: Don’t forget to write and make sure you find yourself an excelent man for you.

Sincerely,

Warren Barton

May 9, 1995

Kalua has not worked out so I´m here at my mothers store and I´m going to run it and turn it into a succesfull bussines. I think I am doing this to reorganize my values of lige. I am focusing on enjoing the little thins in life (the friends I have, the ones I can make, prooving my self, feeling O.K. with the I and I.

Wednesday May 10, 1995

In February last I met I girl in Flamingo. Her name was Pamela. Back then the relationship was for three or four days. She left to the states. I did not think much about the subject because I did not get a chance to really know her that much as she seemed a little strange to me at the moment. Well she kept calling from the States. We sort of started a relationship. She told me she felt love for me, I could not relate to this because the time we spent together when we met was not a very long one and I could not see how could she fall in love with me s quickly.

Directed to: Pamela Blair

From: Warren Barton

Wednesday May 10, 1995

Hello Pam,

I hope things are starting to work out for you now; after our last talk you didn’t sound very happy. And in relation to that I wanted to tell this: I have always taught that since there is no way out to life, or any easy route out of problems, there really isn’t any reason to just go trough it no enjoying every single minute of it. And the most important thing I think I have come up with, is the fact that in order to do this, in order to enjoy life you have to do the same effort that you do to not enjoy. Do you understand what I mean? Can you relate to that?

It isn’t something that will come easy. I have trouble my self just because of thinking so. Let me tell you why: You know those times when you are feeling down, when nothing but absolutely nothing comes out right. You know what I mean you has just had a time like this you told me. Well I have a lot of them, but in my case I am not able to sit and cry, which many times I have had the will of doing, but I cant because deep in my gut I know it isn’t going to take me anywhere. I can’t sit and feel sorry for my self or waste time thinking how nothing is working out the way that I needed them to. Just because I know that I have to work the same for them to come out right or wrong I can’t lay back and regret things I did or that I did not do. I can only look back and learn from my mistakes. And I also think that every body should think this way or at least similar, including you.

I know by experience that this attitude builds up a person and the only good thing you get after every crisis by thinking this way is that, besides more experience in life, you always come out stronger than you entered. And the most exciting part about this is that it is something you can build on and that you can always call back on it in moments of despair.

If you would have known me when I was in high school or even trough my first years of college you would see that I have come a long way from that. Now I have big hope for me. I expect a lot out of my self and a lot of other people do to, more than they ever expected to from knowing the way I where in high school. I mean if you where to take the Warren from back then and trace a route of where his life was heading it would probably mark him to be destined to be a person with out any real aspiration probably working in a grocery store just trying to survive some how with out noticing he was throwing himself away and from what he could really accomplish.

I know that now, and that is how I keep struggling to always become a better person than what I am and I do it on a daily basis. It is not always easy, sometimes it is very hard. But I always keep in mind what Is it that I want my life to mean when I reach the end of it, and if you could do this I think it could help you feel a lot better most of the time. I want my life to be marked by all the other lives that I have touched and have helped in some way or another to really be the person they can be and the thing about this is that most of the people don’t have an idea of what they really can be.

But another thing that I have discover through out this ever changing process that I live is that in order for you to help anybody else besides you, you yourself have got to be doing good. After what happened to my idea of renting the club I went into despair. I lost focus of what I have been talking in the other paragraphs, but only for a short while and that is how I came up with another idea, and I know that you know the incredible power that an idea has.

Actually what happened is that I started thinking on what you said about being a music or group manager, and I cross related that to what I really want to do and came up with the idea of creating a new club every week end. I already have another investment in a Mobil discotheque that my ex-partner is now running so this means I have all the equipment and the music and the transportation to do it. The next step to this is getting all the locations where we can set up these events every week end, because I know for a fact that people in Costa Rica are tired of going always to the same club. And if you open a new one they will only go to it for about 4 months and then forget about it causing that business break down. I am going to offer them something different every week end combined with an excellent live show, with music, and lights and an excellent master of ceremonies to direct the activity. I have done this in the past and I know it is a great success. The other problem with a club is that you have to sell alcohol. I don’t like alcohol, so I wont sell any, so if you want to drink any at the party you would have to bring it yourself. And the excellent thing about this is that when I was explaining this idea to my friend Steven, who is my partner in business and life, he saw me so excited that he got some of it too and came up with yet another great idea of a great business. Do you know what a Quicksilver bike service is? Well in Costa Rica there is not any so we will round up a group of bikers and organize them so they can run errands for the larger companies on their bikes being that traffic in Costa Rica is really bad, if you do it by bike you cut down on time by half as well as expenses.

A couple of days ago I was down, worried about what was I going to do but after talking to you and to Steven and reconsidering what I spoke about above and other things that I like doing, I am ready to take on the world with this new ideas. And this is where you come in, again. I want you to be my first investor or with your experience help me find one rapidly as we are able to start the first plan within 3 weeks but capital is needed for advertisement and other extra things to create a great impact with it. From this, as the initial investment is recovered on the first night, with the winnings from it we can re-invest this in to the second idea and have both of them running simultaneously and so I can achieve the goal of helping other people out and being O.K. with myself, and carry on from there.

With $2000 dollars we could start preparing the first event I am planning on having it on an important date such as the NBA finals or Malcom X Anniversary or any thing I can get my hands on, set up the stage and the decorations for the place and other minor details I want to get handled real quick so I can dedicate later to promotion and selling the tickets. I can sign any kind of guarantee. Instead of recurring to you for investment I could wait to get the registration of a property that my family has in Limon to be completed and get the credit from a bank and use the property as a guarantee, but this will take me all too long just waiting for the lawyer to do the papers and for the bank to approve the credit and this idea I would like to get started with right away. Because another thing I learned from what just happened in Kalua is not to make a move until I have the money to back me up and being able to move everything swiftly and effectively.

If you could let me know your opinion on this as soon as possible, It would be very much appreciated for if the answer is no I could start looking for other options, by the way you were my first option! I hope things start to cool down for you.

PS I already started to study Japanese. I got my self a small course on it and it seems easy as well as interesting. Any way it was nice talking to you and hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Warren Barton.

May 15,1995 5:41 p.m.

I´ve come to a point where I have to apply all that I´ve read through out time and this meens taking action.. They are a couple of things I´ve realize at this point.

I have a company. It is only in paper so now I have to put it in action

´What does it do:

We Enteirtain people

organizing Disco Clubs and Concerts

Stand up comediants

the name of the company is SW entertainment

July 3, 1995 10:57 a.m.

During the period of the last time I wrote and now, I falled into a very lowsy state deep down. Forgat about everything I was strogling for and became very unhappy. It was thanks to reading this dairy that I am keeping, that I saw everything that I went throguh in order to get my self in shape to where I wanna be and forgat about the fact that I am usually succesfull.

So lets do a little update on the feelings part: I felt lonely, not capable of doing anything what so ever, a dozen and one ideas came through my mind on bussines or actions to take in order to get my company going. I did not take any actions on any of these ideas and this only helped me to feel even worst than how I was feeling, which was already bad enough.

I wouldn´t get up in the mornigs, would spend the day doing nothing,and then not being able to sleep at night. Basically it was very lowsy being in this state. But now I am on track again I am going to take responsibility again and persist, persist until I succed because It is a MUST for me to succed. So the fun begins again for the WAB.

July 17, 1995 12:46 p.m.

Well even now things are still looking better for the WAB. In February last I met I girl in Flamingo. Her name was Pamela. Back then the relationship was for three or four days. She left to the states. I did not think much about the subject because I did not get a chance to really know her that much as she seemed a little strange to me at the moment. Well she kept calling from the States. We sort of started a relationship. She told me she felt love for me, I could not relate to this because the time we spent together when we met was not a very long one and I could not see how could she fall in love with me so quickly. She came back to Costa Rica last week. She stayed for 13 days and we were together for seven day and it was incredible. I fell in love with her and we made a comitment agreement to make this relationship work. Today I am going to write my first letter to her:

San José, Costa Rica July 17, 1995

I am really happy. I am not relly sure what to say on this letter but I know I want it to be sincere. I am righ now at my house in San Jose and Tomorrow I will be leaving back to Flamingo for the rest of the week and before that there is a lot of things I have to do but I just could not delay this letter any more. I think that you should know that I love you.

Last night I spoke with Steven for the first time since you came. We spoke about our relationship and the comitment we made for this relationship to work and he was very happy for me as he saw I was very happy my self. Pam I miss you and this is not as easy as I taught it would be, I am not even sure if I am wirtting this letter properly but I am doing my best.

I was telling Steven that I was lucky for having met you, but then I started thinking, and that was already hard enough for me (the thinking part). I was thinking luck is finding a $1000 in the street, luck is winning the lotto, luck is leaving home in the rainy season and not getting wet by the rain. Luck is something I don´t like to belive in as I have no control over it. I find it hard to believe that you are supposed to go through life just waitting for luck to strike you in the way of a good partner for life.

I mean, think about it, or actually I have to tell you about it. I was searching for you ever since I can remeber.

I always said that I wanted a smart woman, and you are way above smartness.

I always said that I wanted a fun person and Pam I have had the best time of my life with you

I have always dreamed of some one to care for me, and you made me feel that care

Sincerety was a must in this and except for the age part I felt you were very open with me

I needed a strong person and Boy! do you have a strong character

I am afraid that you are also an excellent lover in bed. I state this as the first time I ever made love. None of my other sexual experiences count on this.

and to top this there is the fact that I always wiched a beautifull women. Ever since I was a kid I always imagened a pretty women by my side. As years went by and girls came and went I kind of settled on that idea, but my God are you beatifull. And I get shills all over me as I write this and I feel every thing spins about me. I have to take a deep breath and that is how I feel about you. I wish we had more time together but any way if we didn´t it was my fault.

But in a funny way I am happy that you are not here. Please don´t take this the wrong way and let me explain my self (I still feel butterflies all over my body). Back to when I would think about my partner in life the picture was always came with the things I was able to give her. And Pam I am not anywhere close to where I would like to be in order to be with anyone and now specially with you. So it comes in handy that I get some time to really work hard and get my goals and then I would really be completely happy.

Pamela Blair I feel like a kid again and this is because of you. Know that I love you and believe me I know when I am in love. I love you with my hearth and with my head and with the rest of my body, actually the whole me is just raving with it.

I got to go now but write me soon. Bye, Bye.

Love,

Warren A. Barton

Wednsday 28 February 1996

Han sido muchos meses desde la ultima vez que escribi en estas cronicas. he pasado ya varias horas intentando actualizarlo y agregarle la mayor cantidad de datos que pude encontrar y ha sido extenso. Vamos a ver para continuar adelante con estas anotaciones retomare desde la ultima vez que recuerdo haber escrito en el “Cronicas WAB”

Si mas no recuerdo tuvo que haber sido poco despues de la epoca de Kalua. Pues recapitulemos. Por ahi de Marzo del 95 deje Amberes con aproximadamente 120.000 colones con la intencion de abrir discotheque Kalua bajo la direccion de Warren y Esteban. En esta empresa iba a contar con la asistencia economica de Yamileth (Francis). En el ultimo momento no aparecio pero aun asi decidi seguir adelante con la aventura. Aparecio Silvia bello que supuestamente nos iba a ayudar con su experiencia en el negocio y con los tramites legales. Finalmente solo me estafo 70 mil colones. Luego descubri que ha eso se dedicaba. Despues de el fracaso Kaluesco intente por 2 meses mas (mientras me desenredaba de de Silvia) arrancar con mi propia empresa de entretenimiento la cual no llego mas alla de esta computadora y una que otra Carta al Complejo Kamakiri. Algo he escrito de esto con anterioridad.

Finalmente durante la visita que Pam me hizo en Julio volvi a Amberes. Estuve trabajando alli hasta el mes de Octubre. Renuncie con Aldo (el gerente ) el 14 de Octubre y ya el 15 estaba trabajando en el Hotel Playa Tambor. Mi estado de animo para aquella epoca recuerdo era muy optimista,pues iba a un lugar nuevo con experiencias nuevas, especialmente por el hecho de que el hotel tenia un teatro y me fascinaba la idea de poder ser parte de un espectaculo y si le añadimos que el espectaculo era diario ni hablar. La paga era menor, pero de primera entrada no le di mayor imortancia pues uno: Queria obtener mayor experiencia en el campo de los espectaculos y dos supuce que una vez conocieran la calidad de mi trabajo iba a mejorar la paga.

Obtuve cierta experiencia pero la paga no mejoro gran cosa. Mientras yo iba de un estado de animo al otro. Me fijaba metas que no alcanzaba. No tenia ni tengo aun idea de lo que deseo hacer. Aunque por lo menos en este punto se que estoy muy orientado aun al Area de los espectaculos musicales. Pero existe el gran abismo por cruzar, que se ve tan oscuro y profundo como lo desconocido y temido, es el como lograr lo que deseo y aun mas importante que es exactamente lo que deseo. Mientras escribo estas notas mi estado de animo esta muy tranquilo. Pero creo importante tratar de rescatar algunos de los estados de animos por los que pase estando en playa Tambor.

Recuerdo estar muy decepcionado de mi vida, periodicamente recibia este sentimiento en mi vida. Uno de los aspectos principales que alentaban esto era la soledad. Desde que llegue a Tambor mi vida amoroso cayo en un pozo tan profundo que ni la puedo ver. Ni un beso ni una nueva amistad, absolutamente nada. Y cada noche despues de cerrar la cabina de la musica y dirigirme hacia mi bungalo a dormir, caminaba por la playa sintiendo y lamentando mi soledad de una manera terrible y me consumia de tal forma que deseaba la salida mas facil, el no existir. No tenia pensamientos suicidas. Era que no encontraba razon para todo ese stress. pues mi vida no reportaba ningun tipo de placer. En ese momento y aun ahora mi vida se mueve alrededor de mi trabajo y llegado otra ves al punto en que me siento como una hoja en el viento y no se como tomar el timon. Sin direccion.

Me siento frustrado, la cabeza esta caliente y el cuero cabelludo me pica. son las 3:40 de la mañana pero solo se que tengo que reportar esto pues en un futuro lo necesitare. tengo que encontrarme, tengo que encontrar mis fuerzas y tengo que encontrar mi destino. Debo tomar el timon de mi vida y llegar donde mi mente se sienta bien con mi alma y mi espiritu si es que no son la misma cosa. tomara tiempo. El cual espero sea muy poco. Aspiro a que sea mas facil de lo que pienso que sea. Estoy cansado pero antes de terminar esta sesion anotare algo que escribi hace algunos meses.

BREAK THROUGH

Mind is able to give me control of material concept

What if something went wrong with the mind. And I did no get that throufh. I could beleive that the material concept could control me because I am afraid always of every thing.

Now I know this:

My mind is mine, I control It.

It works somehow

I shouldn´t be afraid because I have a mind which is a powerfull thing that was created to link me to this material universe and solve any problem that it might present. (like now).

KNOWING MY SELF

Knowin my self is happy and funny. But this can be shaped by the mind into sad and boring because when I was happy and funny some other time some thing happenne that my mind did not process right cause I did not know or cared to use it.

May be ever since a new born baby I decided I did not need to use it as everything was given to me. May be not even moving was necesary for me to do as someone was doing it for me or to me. My mind transfers information to me, and it´s there also to protect me. It´s able to take over control (automatic)

If something went wrong with your mind (you) spirit could, get locked up in your mind and feel, or think, or believe that that is what or where or who you are.

OTHER PEOPLE

Other people are in good conection with their mind. They are able to use it, they´ve always had so good conections equals good conductors, so your personality commes out by your body wich is controled via your mind. Who got it from you (spirit) conector (exelent conductors)

So as you never had any technical problems with your mind, you link it directly to your body and therefore you think that that´s you

Also sometime during 1995 I wrote this other thing:

My hearth is singing a song, and it´s singing alone

and it will never give up on the fight of ending it´s lonely song

we tought that someone was right to help us on the fight

but now we are still singing alone, tell me why must love be so wrong

But I am sitll searching for that spark in my life

the beat of my hearth that will keep me alive

yes I am still seaching, because that´s what I think is all about

It is about love. about love.

29 February 1996

En los ultimos dias me sentia muy mal porque no podia tomar una decision sobre el rumbo de mi vida. En este momento siento que puedo tomarla. Deseo dejar Hotel Playa Tambor porque siento que no puedo sacarle ya mas de lo que le he sacado, deseo venir a San Jose para estudiar algo relacionado con lo que voy a dedicar parte de mi vida que es el entretenimiento. Me gusta el area del turismo y voy a introducirme en el mundo de los guias. Aparece nuevamente la inquietud del estudio la necesidad de un diploma. Algo de lo que no me puedo escapar tan facilmente como pense que lo haria. Necesito un problema.

Encuentro que necesito ejercitar mi poder de libre eleccion, siento necesidad de comunicarme. Si paso mucho tiempo si relacionarme con otra gente en por lo menos una conversacion descente, empiezo a meterme en un mundo muy pesado y negativo. La falta de comunicacion distorciona la realidad de mi y de muchas otras cosas. Ha diferencia de ayer, hoy la cabeza no me esta caliente, el cuero cabelludo no me pica, y no me siento frustrado. He recuperado un poco de confianza en mi mismo.

Mañana cuando regrese al Hotel Playa tambor presentare posiblemente mi renuncia para venir a San Jose a buscar empleo en el area de Guia de Turismo. Me siento feliz y orgulloso de mi mismo porque siento que he vivido apegado a lo que realmente siento. Aun atravesando mucha frustracion por las ideas que los demas tienen de lo que deberia ser la vida de alguna manera logro regresar a mi camino, a lo que yo considero debe ser lo que yo deseo hacer. No pierdo mi felicidad por completo. Paso periodos oscuros como lo comente ayer pero eso lo atribuyo a momentos en que pierdo mi camino porque olvido hacer estudio espiritual. NO debo olvidar que soy una persona muy espiritual y no estoy de acuerdo con muchas de las cosas que este mundo nos tiene. Debo tener presente siempre quien soy y que es lo que quiero.

Estas cronicas deseo se conviertan en lo mejor de mi. Deseo que queden grabadas todas las cosas buenas que me van ha pasar. Lo bueno de este momento es que me he levantado yo solo a partir de mis pensamientos y experiencias propias. Ahora estoy lleno de ansiedad por trabajar duro por mi futuro. No deseo ir a vivir bajo las alas de Pamela. Deseo vivir sobre mis propias alas. y lo he logrado y seguire mejorando en el proceso. Usare los libros solo como puntos de referencia para llegar a mi meta. Be an Entertainer. the verry best.

Marzo 1, 1996

Muy importante el recordar que debo cumplir con mi labor. Esto porque estoy pasando por una crisis despues de que vi en el periodico un anuncio de Musica Derby dandole publicidad a D.J. Leo. Basicamente haciendo lo que yo deseo hacer. Ahora D.J. Leo es Leo Bananas. Frustracion fue el primer sentimiento que paso por mi mente y mi espiritu porque me senti abatido de ver como alguien que empezo peor que yo ahora esta donde yo deseo estar. Lo que me calmo fue el recordar que las cosas se construyen poco a poco y que mientras yo iba por el mundo disfrutando de aventuras el estaba aqui siempre trabajando en lo suyo

Ahora que lo veo yo sigo haciendo lo que quiero solo que ahora lo quiero hacer mas en grande y de forma mas profesional y reconocida. Ya he hecho muchas cosas que no se cuantas otras personas pudieran haber hecho y aunque lo pudieran hacer, no importa porque soy yo el que las hizo y las hice porque quise. Y siendo esa mi prorrogativa de vida (hacer lo que quiero) debo estar satisfecho. Por lo pronto me queda solo concentrar mis energias en mi sueño y llegar a donde deseo lo mas pronto posible.

Mayo 31, 1996 4:23 a.m.

Ya se que es muy tarde para estar despierto, especialmente cuando al salir el sol nuevamente tendre que presentarme a trabajar. Despues de tanto tiempo de no escribir en las cronicas, creo necesario un pequeño update de hechos acontecidos durante este periodo de casi dos meses. Para este update no releere lo escrito anteriormente sino que simplemente escribire lo que crea importante anotar.

Hace aproximadamente dos meses fui victima de un ascenso en el Hotel Playa Tambor. Fui ascendido al puesto de Sub Jefe de animacion del Hotel. Acepte por que desee probarme a mi mismo que podia asumir el reto, porque a la vez podia darme un poco de posicion a nivel social por cuanto ya seria entonces un Warren con titulo: Warren Barton, Subjefe Animacion del Hotel Playa Tambor. Ademas de llegar a un acuerdo economico con mi jefe y porque le considero una persona capaz y efectiva y sobre todo con deseos de hacer las cosas bien. Deseo aprender de el lo mas posible. Pero el aumento de sueldo que el Hotel aprobo para mi en el premio al trabajo efectivo fue de miserables cinco mil colones. Cuando tan solo llegando a laborar al hotel solicite un sueldo de por lo menos 80.00 colones. Y ahora con costos llega a los 75.000

Viernes 2 de Agosto 1996, 9:23 a.m.

He estado meditando mucho sobre el curso que mi vida ha llevado hasta ahora y sobre el curso que deseo que siga para el futuro. Y lo mas dificil es encontrar los parametros para tomar estas decisiones. La situacion por la que estoy pasando se puede resumir en que Me encuentro molesto en mi trabajo actual; Segundo Jefe de Animacion del Hotel Barcelo Playa Tambor. Me es molesto el trato que recibimos de parte de los españoles. La discriminacion que hemos permitido que se de en hotel por nuestra nacionalidad me ha llegado a ser repulsiva. Ademas considero que los directores administrativos son poco menos que incompetentes y el dueño con poca calidad humana lo cual se extiende hasta los niveles inferiores de la linea de comando.

Por otro lado a nivel personal no veo como sacar mayor provecho al hecho de estar dentro del hotel por tanto tiempo. Siento que estoy a tiempo de dar un giro en la direccion que deseo. Deseo comunicar a las masas. Y eso lo quiero hacer mediante la Radio. Pude practicar ante el publico en Playa Tambor. Y agradezco esta oportunidad que siento no desperdicie y que he pagado con creces al Hotel y a las personas que me dieron la oportunidad.

En estos momentos lo mas importante seria centrar mis atenciones hacia nuevas metas. Voy a ingresar al mundo de la locucion por radio. El Martes logre una entrevista con Eliecer Barrantes director de Radio Dos.

Lunes 5 de Agosto, 11:03 a.m.

Es importante para mi el concentrarme al principio de la mañana para lograr una mejor proyecion de mis ideas y asi lograr mas rapidamente mis objetivos y además lograr aumentar el nive de energía.

Miercoles 7 de Agosto, 9:51 a.m.

Este dia solo puse la fecha pero no escribi nada pero puedo relatar lo que paso. Este dia lo comparti con Susana. Fuimos primero al Hospital Mexico, porque aqui es donde Susana hara su internado. Estaba muy nerviosa por el hecho, esto aunado a que dentro de pocas semanas llegara al pais su prometido y les queda por delante mucho trabajo para establecerse en Costa Rica. Aun cuando tenemos la misma edad Susi apenas acaba de terminar su educacion como medico general y empieza recien su vida de profesional y siendo su prometido extranjero las cosas se ven aun borrosas para ambos.

Luego del hospital, el resto del dia lo pasamos de compras. Principalmente para mi. Ya hacia mucho tiempo que no me compraba pantalones y camisas, y me estaba encontrando en la situacion de no poder encontrar como combinar la ropa de forma que yo me sintiera bien vestido. Debo comentar que me siento afectado en mi estado animico como consecuencia directa de como percibo la forma en que estoy vestido. El nivel de seguridad aumenta tremendamente en ese respecto. Por ejemplo, si la ropa la siento comoda, y que brinda la apariencia casual de esa misma manera me comporto y expreso. Si de lo contrario la ropa me queda incomoda y la percibo poco atractiva esto crea en mi un sentimiento de inseguridad tremenda, dificil de controlar.

Por ultimo, esa noche termine de preparar una pequeña presentacion escrita que presentaria al dia siguiente junto con unos casettes de demostracion. Estos casettes contienen pruebas de locucion que he realizado en el hotel. Mi intencion con estos casettes es que me permitan integrarme al mundo de la locucion por radio y luego saltar al teatro y a la television. Principalmente deseo que me ayuden a salir del Hotel Playa Tambor.

Viernes 9 de Agosto, 11:37 a.m.

En este dia estoy ansioso por recibir la respuesta de la Radio 2. Deseo entrar al mundo de la locucion. Especialmente deseo dejar la vida aislada de la playa y volver a San Jose para seguir algunas inquietudes que se estan presentando con respecto a incursionar en nuevos campos, tales como la actuacion y la produccion de programas de television y radio. Deseo profesionalizarme en campos de comunicacion masiva.

Pero ademas de eso ya tome la decision de renunciar a mi puesto como segundo jefe de animacion en el Hotel Barcelo Playa Tambor. Sera un poco dificil porque aprecio a mi jefe, y aun mas sabiendo lo mal que el mismo la esta pasando aqui en ese puesto. Pero en fin la vida debe continuar y yo en especial con la mia y la voy a dirigir hacia donde yo deseo. Poco a poco se va armando el rompecabezas de mi vida. Ciao!

Miercoles 6 de Noviembre, 7:43 p.m.

No sé exactamente por donde empezar. Ha pasado mucho tiempo desde la ultima vez que pude sentarme a tener una conversacion con mi diario hacerca de esta telaraña de sentimientos y confusion que llamo mi vida. Pero intentaremos hacer un resumen de lo acontecido desde nuestra ultima conversacion hace ya unos 3 meses aproximadamente.

Para nuestra ultima conversacion habia tomado la decisin de renunciar a mi puesto como Segundo Jefe De Animacion en el Hotel Playa Tambor. Pues en este momento estoyy escribiendo en la computadora del hotel, asi que obiamente no he dejado el trabajo aqui en el hotel. Pero en realidad he estado pasando por un periodo muy malo emocionalmente. En realidad no terrible pero si malo. En especial la ultima semana.

Durante el reciente mes he tenido que cumplir la funcion de Jefe de Animacion cubreindo las vacaciones de Luis, mi jefe. Al principio todo iba caminando perfectamente. Pero conforme avanzaban las semanas poco a poco la actitud optimista que traia al principio fue decayendo hasta tocar fondo en la ultima semana. Al principio si tenia que estar en mi trabajo a las ocho de la mañana podia estar en pie a las siete y treinta. Durante todo el dia encontraba cosas que hacer y cumplia con mis obligaciones a cabalidad. Trabajaba mas horas de las que debia. Pero de alguna manera fui descuidando pequeños detalles que a final de unas semanas me sumieron en un abismo emocional que me llevo a un punto negativo en mi acititud hacia la vida.

Bueno, resumiendo. Es hasta ahora que vengo saliendo de este estado y comunico lo que creo haber aprendido del mismo. La vida se mide con la intensidad con la que la vives. Si vas por ahi pasando de la vida, sin que las pequeñas cosas te importen por el simple hecho de que tu crees que son pequeñase, al final de la vida vas ha llegar al punto en que tendras que volver tu mirada hacia atras para mirar el camino que has recorrido y te daras cuenta que no has caminado nada porque todo lo que pasaba a tu alrededor era muy pequeño como para molestarse en hacer algo de él. Y al final te daras cuenta que has vivido una vida tan pequeño como las casas a las que en las cuales no invertiste el intereses suficiente y mas importante la intensidad suficiente para hacer del momento un gran momento. Vive la vida con intensidad, con ansias de vivir. Esfuerzate por ser feliz. Fijate metas y alcanzalas solo por el simple hecho de hacerlo. Se tu mismo. Y has de ti un gran hombre, una gran persona haciendo de cada momento de la vida un gran momento. Vive con intensidad.

Viernes 8 de Noviembre, 8:20 p.m.

Creo que es importante anotar la fijacion de una meta economica en cuanto a ahorro. Para el mes de Febrero deseo tener ahorrados dos mil quinientos dolares.

Domingo 19 de Enero de 1997

Definitivamente debo realizar un mayor esfuerzo por escribir mas a menudo en este diario. Me doy cuenta de lo importante que me resulta el poder volver en el a vivir sentimientos y pensamientos, tanto tristes como alentadores, que en algun momento pude vivir y que, gracias a dios, pude dejar impresas en estas lineas.

Hoy vengo con una actitud algo positiva. Traspasare a la computadora cosas que habia apuntado ya hace algun tiempo en un pedazo de papel asi como en mi mente, con respecto a sentimientos descubrimientos y algunos otros acontecimientos que han acaecido en mi en los ultimos meses.

Lo mas importante de recalcar es el hecho de que continuo viviendo mi vida en estados de animo ciclicos. Que constantemente me dejo llevar por sentimientos de tristeza y soledad, frustracion y desolacion; que al final no me llevan a ningun lado, para luego sentir que, al tocar el fondo, entonces si es hora de volver a cambiar de actitud. Ahora haciendo un analisis de esto, que creo ya haver escrito algo al respecto anteriormente, me he dado cuento de otra tonalidad que lleva mi vida. Miedo de vivir, Miedo de existir, Miedo de ser yo mismo, Miedo de expresarme. Miedo.

Especificamente en la parte de la vida en la que me tengo que expresar como yo, como warren barton. Me siento como un niño coibido que debe pedir permiso para hacer algo que le han dicho que no debe hacer.

Esto llego por primera vez a mi atencion cuando estaba observando un ataque de histeria de uno de mis compañeros de trabajo. Este muchacho de 19 años es de procedencia humilde, aun cuando el no lo es, con poco educacion escolar. Tiene muy mal caracter, aun cuando el mismo pretende ser la mayoria del tiempo una persona alegre, cuando se enoja su ego se eleva por las nubes, tan alto que no lo deja ver el piso. Mi opinion de el, basado en lo anterior era que, desde algun punto de vista yo debia ser superior a el muchisimos sentidos, mi educacion basica, nivel universitario, yo soy mayor que el por ende mayor experiencia de vida, yo habia vivdo en el extranjero, tengo mayor experiencia laboral, me he rosado con mucha gente, y aun asi yo mismo sentia envidia de esta persona. Sentia envidia de alguien a quien yo miraba por encima del mi hombro, debo ser sincero.

Envidiaba su libertad. Su capacidad de ser el mismo sin importarle el que pensaran los demás, su forma de ignorar completamente sus debilidades, por lo menos lo que yo consideraba sus debilidades, expresar todo lo bueno y lo malo que el tenia dentro de si. Yo envidiaba todo eso. Yo sentia que yo no podia hacer lo mismo. Yo no podia sentarme ahi y recibir y atraer la atencion de todo el mundo hacia mi. Envidiaba su capacidad de atacar a otras personas y de defenderse de los ataques de otros hacia el, aun cuando el mismo no tuviera la razon. Enviaba esa confianza en si mismo de la cual el era dueño.

Sabado 12 de septiembre 12, 1998

Estoy escribiendo años luz de mi ultima entrada pero las siguientes lineas las escribi durante estas ultimas semanas

"A GERMAN WEDDING

At first the people gathered at the entrance of the Saloon making a little conversation. After around 30 minutes of waiting they are invited in to the dance saloon, as the party area is divided in two: dinning and dancing with bar. There they mingled for another 30 minutes. At this point they are directed to the dining area where the tables are organized with the seats name and divided by groups of families and friends.

The dinner is started of with the Bride and the Groomm introducing all the persons who are present. They do this with a little speach they have prepared before. Then the buffet is opened: A three plates buffet lots of vegetebles and salad selections.

At the end of the dinner it is the right ocassion for guest speaches. And then it is back to the dance floor. The dance is started with the vals of the newly wed and during the rest of the evening it is conbined with games, poems, and music.",""

"BUSINESS IDEA

We can create a business in Costa Rica by having Elke Design Interior Decoration For people who want to give their apartment a touch of good taste at a good and afordable price.

Elke should get some pictures from different apartments in order to create a kind of catalog. This catalog could also be crated on the computer. She also should create or find out the contacts that will supply the material that will be used in Costa rica for the remodeling.

Part of the selling strategy would include a Web Site that I my self would create. An interactive site where the client could play around with different posibilities. This could also be used to send a picture of the area to remodelate to Germany and use Germans as overseas consultants that would give ideas as to the best way to utilize the space in the room.

I think that I would need to work another six months in order to save enough money to start with a good financial back up of about $15000.00

I also have to achieve the goal of a Business degree in Administration.

For this idea to work I have to take a look at all of the above and re-state it as consecutive goals to be reached in order for this idea to become a succesfull reality.

This idea orinally came about from Elke when she tought that we should import light fixtures and other German home decorative features to Costa Rica.

Lets start by opening an import and export company. There we can request for a loan and/or credite from the companies we would import from. I think that the loan should be gotten in Europe as the interest rates are lower, and the quantity of the loan could be greater.",""

"FINDEN-SUCHEN

Ich suche nicht - ich finde.

Suche, das ist Ausgehen von alten Beständen und ein Finden-Wollen von bereits Bekanntem. Finden, das ist das völlig Neue. Alle Wege sind offen, und was gefunden wird, ist unbekannt. Es ist ein Wagnis, ein heiliges Abenteuer: Die Ungewissheit solcher Wagnisse können eigentlich nur jene auf sich nehmen, die im Ungeborgenen sich geborgen wissen, die in der Ungewissheit, in der Führerlosigkeit geführt werden, die sich vom Ziel ziehen lassen und nicht selbst das Ziel bestimmen.

PABLO PICASSO",""

"FOR ELKE ALBERT

This is to let you know how happy I am to be your boyfriend, and that I congratulate myself for coming on this trip you, my love.

I also have to remember to go back to giving her poems and flowers and TREATING HER LIKE A LADY.",""

"KÖLN

On the trip to the city of köln we visited the centenary Köln Dome, an incredible structure builded over 750 years ago. Ther biggest church I have ever seen. The outside of the buildine poses an impressive Gotic stile architecture stemming from it's two huge outter towers.

The rest of the city is a sublime combination of the new and the old, the classic and the modern, the gotic and the post-modeern. A walk down the Rhine and you can feel the History of a city that as a lot to say.

And a proposition that we could not resist was a visit to the Chocolate Museum and Fabric, quite interesting to be able to experience the full process that is necesary to create what, until now I tought was a simple, bar of chocolate.",""

"METAS

I will start a reward system for my self. When ever I achieve a goal then I can award myself with the toys that I want to purchase, like the computer, the webtv, and any thing else that might come up my way. And is the next days I should take the time the sit down and set some goals for my self.

In order to Achieve these goals I would have to organize my daily schedule so that I can do all that I need to do, and the really important thing is to stick to it like glue as a working schedule that should not be interrupted under any conditions.

Also the constancy in work out is to be maintained as to achieve results. It is better to work out less than not to work out at all. Look at Elke' case that she was consistent in her daily walk and achieved results.

Warren Barton",""

"MY OWN COMPANY

I am my own company. i have got to nurter it and watch it grow. So There is not too much work to do. Only things that have to be done.",""

"OUR DEEPEST FEAR

'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerfull beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most freightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?'

from Nelson Mandela's inaugural speach as President of South Africa - May 1994",""

"REAL ESTATE

I need to look into the possibility of also entering the Real Estate Business by purchasing an apartment building in Costa Rica.

I should have my mother look i nto this by getting a loan from the bank or better yet getting a credito on the property with out expending a sent.

"WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT ME

I like the fact that I am in constant persuit of something better.

When I set my mind on something I get it done no matter what: 'SOY PERSEVERANTE'. A simily that I came up with in Aruba is Constance. Like the win that blows in Aruba every day. It is there always, blowing, sometimes delicatly, other times very strong, but always ther, and like this it has manage the shape a tree in to its durecction, that's the power of constance and perseverance.

Although I ask my self sometimes: What do I need to get into the spirits of things?

I have to realize my life is already good, and there is no reason to think it is not. Things can only get better and it is up to me to make it go right.

Warren Barton",""

Get a work outy program

Getting the studies done

Eliminating this lack of energy I am living with

Take care of my relation ship with Elke

TEN REASONS WHY I MUST MAKE IT HAPPEN NOW

Get a work out program

1. I know I can get results with a program

2. I know I can follow the program

3. I like working out, it makes me feel good

4. I don’t like the way my body looks or feel right now

5. You can not get results if you are not organized]

6. I need to know what I am doing

7. If I don’t do it now I will never do it

8. I have been putting it off for a long time now

9. I will prove my slef that I have follow up Power

10. I will show my self that I am in control

Getting the sutdies done

1. It will be a way of moving up to a better job

2. I will achieve something on my own

3. I will receive certainty that I know something and I will have the title to back it up

4. I can execrcie my constancy power

5. I will acquiere the theory on administrtion skills that I need

6. It will make my Mother proud and more relax about my future

7. I can develo a new association towards study

8. I can make it fun

9. I will gain respect from people around me

10. Elke can feel more proud of me

Eliminating this lack of Energy

1. I will be a lot happier

2. I will do a hundred more things than I am doing now

3. Life will look a lot better for me

4. My temperament will change

5. This is the one thing that has always been there when I was not happy

6. I can’t stand it any more

7. I will die with out doing all the things I want to do

8. It is stopping me from fully living

9. It is ruining my relationships

10. I want to live life fully

Take care of my relation shipe with Elke

1. I love her

2. She love me

3. She is very sweat

4. I am not being what I want to be

5. She deserves more

6. If I don’t do it now, she is going to leave me

7. It is part of living a healthy life

8. It will make me a greater man and make me feel better about my self

9. I will find a side of me that I like

10. She is the bet thing htat has happened to me

HOW CAN I INTERRUPT THESE PATTERNS

GET A WORK OUT PROGRAM

Getting one

Applying ot it

Go to the Gym Down town and get a program

GETTING THE SUTDIES DONE

Make the university

Sit down and study

Don’t watch T.V.

ELIMINATE LACK OF ENERGY

Go to the doctor

Change Diet

Excersice

Always go on inspite of …

RELATION SHIP WITH ELKE

Just reach out and hug

Continuing in my Electronic diary I have to updated as to my outcome sin the Personal Power II program

TWO CORE BELIVES THAT ARE LIMITING MY LIFE

I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY

I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH KNOLEDGE

WHAT MY NEW BELIEFS ARE AND HOW THEY WILL INCREASE THE QUALITY OF MY LIFE

I AM FULL OF ENERGY

I CAN LEARN WHILE I AM TRYING

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE AREAS OF MY LIFE THAT ARE NOT ENOUGH?

My finance

My rapport creating Ability ( comunicating, expressing myself)

WHAT I WOULD HAVE TO BELIEVE TO CONSISTENTLY FOLLOW THROUGH ON TH ETRANSFORMATION OF MY LIFE:

• That I can perform the job that needed to be done

• I can deal with the reponsability

• I will back up my actions because I did them under the belief that I was doing what needed to be done. Using my integrity

• That I am not a bad comunicator

• I have good comunication skill

• I can talk to people

WHAT I WOULD HAVE TO BELIEVE TO NOT ONLY SET MY GOALS BUT REALLY ACHIEVE THEM;

I can still learn a lot more and it does not need to take a long time, no Sir. It can happes a s soon as I think about it. I am not the looser that I set my self up to believe I was.

WHY I MUST CHANGE THESE SITUATIONS NOW AND WHY I KNOW I CAN:

I have got to admit this to my self:L I keep talking about succes and doing better, but all the way deep inside of me I see my self as a poor looser. Well, I am not any more. If I ever where, and the best thing now is that I need to proove nothing to no one, to no one. I am what I know I am.

GOAL SETTING WORK SHOP

Personal Development Goals

• Would like to go to Asia or the other side of Europe

• Want my energy level to sour Sky High

• I want to be a great Father

• I want to Marry Chatzy

• I want master the art of taking continuos actio

• I want to meet Tony Robbins

• I want To Know About Finances

• I want to be Able to Teach a lot of People Hot to better there lifes

• I want to speack German

• I want to remain in control of my self

• I want to be and remain in a happy state

• I want to get a good body shape and conditioning

• I want to go ba to Costa Rica and have a great Bussiness

• I want to Learn to Fly

• I want to supprt social groups

• I want to play the piano

• I want to express my self fluently

• I want to influenciate the people That I meet positively

• I want to make Elke Super Happy

• I want to see the Broadway shows in New York

FROM MY TOP THREE PERSONAL GOAL, WHY AM I COMMITTED TO ACHIEVING THEM WITHIN THE NEXT YEAR:

I want my Energy level to sour sky HighMY TOP THREE GOAL FOR PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT AND ONE ACTION I CAN TAKE TODAY TOWARD THEIR ATTAINMENT;

OCTAVA PARTE

LA LEVEDAD, EL VÉRTIGO Y EL AMOR

1

Tomás era un hombre que sé creía enamorado. (Había pasado la mejor parte de su vida junto a una mujer que le había llegado por el río en un cesto. Pero, ¿Era esto en realidad lo que él deseaba? ¿Era verdaderamente su “Es muss sein!? ¿Tuvo razón de pensar en pasar los últimos años de su vida junto al resultado de seis simples casualidades y el lumbago de su jefe?.

Tal vez Tomás no sabía las respuestas a estas preguntas, tal vez ni siquiera quería saber las preguntas.

2

Pensemos otra vez en aquella persona que quiere permanentemente llegar más alto. Sabemos que entre más alto llegue más alto y más grande será el vértigo que lo invadirá. El vértigo es la profundidad que se abre ante nosotros y que nos atrae, nos seduce, despierta en nosotros el deseo de caer, del cual nos defendemos espantados.

Tomás había llegado muy alto, fue un médico muy reconocido en su círculo, era respetado por la sociedad en que se desembolvía, se encontraba muy alto entre los suyos. Los amoríos que había sostenido a través de tantos años, tantas mujeres (más de 200, casi ocho por cada año durante 25 años) le elevaban aún más. De repente se hallaba a si mismo muy alto en el escalón de su vida. Se presentó ante él una gran profundidad; y esta lo sedujo muy dulcemente, lo atrajo y Tomás se sintio indefenso hacia esa atracción.

3

Cuando Teresa llegó a su vida, lo hizo como un niño indefenso, sucio y con cara de inocente criatura que cala en lo más profundo de nuestra conciencia y despierta en nosotros un sentimiento de compasión. ¿Pero en qué medida es sincero este sentimiento? Hasta que punto se siente ternura por ese niño? ¿No será en realidad que dentro de nuestros más grandes atributos como seres humanos, sencibles y compasivos, a nuestra responsabilidad como hijos del creador a socorrer a nuestro hermano en desgracia y más aún si se trata de un niño.

¿Si le brindamos esa ayuda, si contestamos ese clamor de auxilio que nos hace este niño indefenso, sucio y con cara de criatura inocente, será para deshacernos pronto de esa situación incomoda o para que nuestra conciencia quede tranquila y sin remordimientos por no haber contestado al clamor de un niño?

El día en que Teresa llegó al piso de Tomás, en Praga, hicieron el amor esa misma tarde, luego ella enfermó, pasó una semana con él y Tomás se enamoró de ella.

Tomás comparó a Teresa con un niño que alguien hubiera puesto en un cesto y echado al río y él lo hubiese recogido a la orilla de su cama.

¿Es esta en realidad la forma en que se debe amar a alguién? ¿Es esta la analogía que puede planterase ante el amor?

4

Pensemos en el amor. El amor, en el fondo puede llegar a ser el sentimiento más ciegoi y egoísta que puede manifestar el hombre.

¿Qué sucede cuando “amamos”? Cuando amamos es que hemos hallado algo (una persona, tal vez) que nos excita de alguna forma y nos provoca placer. Esto nos gusta como seres sensibles que somos, y en el fondo queremos satisfacernos, egoistamente, teniendo a quién nos provoca placer cerca. Si hacemos algo para complacerle es en realidad para complacernos a nosostros mismos. Porque queremos que la otra persona nos devuelva el placer que hemos entregado.

Tomás vio en Teresa alguien que se le entregaba y le decía “vivo por tí y deseo complacerte”. Esto le alagaba embriagadoramente, fue un sentimiento que le asaltó y atontó. Fue un sentimiento superior al miedo que pudo haber sentido Tomás ante la responsabilidad que podía haber adquirido por segunda vez de entregar su vida a una mujer.

5

Teresa pensaba mucho en ese momento, cuándo se entregó a Tomás. Ella al igual que Tomás era seducida por la profundidad. Estaba muy alto en su vida. Tenía el “amor” de Tomás, salió de aquella posada en ese pequeño pueblo checo. Su vida se transformó en Praga. Durante la invasión fue fotografiada y sintió como su vida cambio y se transformó. Deja de ser tan leve. Según Pasménides, su vida se volvio pesada (negativa). Extrañamente esto la hacía subir más alto. Pero el vértigo también crecía y Teresa no era tan fuerte como para combatirlo, no podía evitar el ser seducida por éste y por eso tenía pesadillas sobre Tomás y sus infidelidades, por eso soportaba las aventuras de Tomás. Por eso Tomás debía tomar sus manos y apretarlas fuertemente entre las suyas para que ella dejara de temblar. Necesitaba que él le diera fuerzas por que ella no tenía las suficientes para luchar contra el vértigo (al menos ese fue el sentimiento de Teresa).

6

Cuando llegaron al cuarto del hotel después de haber bailado mucho ambos se sentían felices pensaban que todo estaba bien, que no se habían equivocado en su “Es muss sein”.

-Ha sido esta una hermosa velada- dijo ella, mientras se iba al cuarto de baño.

Tomás no hizo réplica y se sentó en el borde de una de las camas. Pensaba que en las muchas piezas en que ha estado, ésta era diferente. Esta tenía algo que le parecía excitante. Sintió la gran necesidad de hacer el amor en las dos camas que se hallaban en la habitación.

Ella volvió a hablar.

-¿No te ha parecido bella la noche?

El no contestó, se levantó y se paró en la puerta del cuarto de baño y dio su orden acostumbrada, la que tanto seducía a Teresa y Sabina. La que había dado ya muchas veces a sus muchas amantes.

Dijo:

-Desnúdate.

7

Ella le vio y no actuó. Esto sorprendió a Tomás. Nunca había sucedido el que Teresa meditara o tituberara sobre esta orden tan directa y que siempre la había parecido seductora e irresistiblemente excitante. De pronto ella rompió en llanto sentada sobre el water. Tomás supo de inmediato qué sucedía. Ambos se habían, por fin, entendido. El tiempo que habían pasado juntos en verdad lo habían disfrutado y era lo que deseaban. Ahora ambos lo sabían y la felicidad les embargaba. Por eso sonrió Tomás al verla llorar … Se acercó a ella, acarició su pelo y no repitió su acostumbrada orden. A diferencia de otras ocasiones, se agachó junto a ella y besó sus mejillas humedecidas por las lágrimas que brotaban de susu ojos como dulce néctar del más embriagador panal de amor. No eran lágrimas comunes. No podrían pasar desapercibidas como lo haría una gota de agua en una tormenta.

Esas lágrimas decían: “Soy feliz al fin, confio en tu amor, sé que es sincero”.

Tomás recogía con su boca esas lágrimas. Esos mensajes de amor que él creía los unía como lo hiciese el mar con la arena de la playa en su constante ir y venir y sus tormentas y tranquila calma.

Continuó besándola ella dejó de sollozar. Poco a poco y lentamente empezó a contestar los besos de Tomás. Pronto ambos estarían besándose y riendo pero sin decir una sola palabra.

El desabotonó su vestido, acarició aquellos pechos que había acariciado ya tantas veces, solo que esta vez le parecieron todavía más bellos. La enormidad de los círculos oscuros que rodeaban los pezones se convirtió en un motivo más de exitación. Los besó, elevó a su mujer en brazos e hicieron el amor en las dos camas de la habitación.

En medio del acto Teresa notó con alegría, algo en Tomás, algo que jamás había sucedido: Tomás le hacía el amor con los ojos abiertos y la miraba.

W. Barton

Transcrito de un borrador mecanogarfiado a finales de la década de los ochenta.

Reply-to:	"Wablaster"
From:	"Wablaster"
To:	"Elke Albert"	Bottom of Form 1
Subject:	I was talking with my Heart
Date:	Fri, 31 Mar 2000 18:16:02 -0600

I was having a little talk with my heart and this is what it told

"You know Warren, there is something going on with me that doesn't feel right. There is something I am missing, I know it. There is a part of me that is missing and that I want back. I don't feel the same as I did before. Remember when it was just you and be, remember when a long time ago we were so use to being just us two that it did not matter at all to be alone. For me it is now such a distant feeling, It is not even a memory. I have been so happy for such a long time now, that now I can't get use to not sharing myself again. There is something that's been taken from me. I got used to coming home to a tender feeling, to learning how to care about someone else. I developed a great sense of respect, on how to earned and specially on how to give it. Because I felt loved I learned to love, Because I felt cared for I learned to care, because I felt respected, I learned to respect, because I felt secure, I learned how to live. And now that I take sometime to think I realize that life has been given back to me, by the same thing that now I am missing. Warren, Please tell me what it is that now I feel so far from me?"

I listened to my heart very carefully to every word it said, And I all that could say to it was the same that I am going to tell you: "You are missing the same thing that I am. You are Missing the love of my life"

And now I am telling You: I miss you

Warren

Lunes 18 de Septiembre, 2000

Aqui estamos nuevamente, estoy muy emocionado de poder escribir nuevamente en diario despues de tanto tiempo, especialmente ahora que lo puedo hacer como siempre lo habia deseado; directamente a la maquina. Quiero dejar plasmado un poco de mi vivencia diaria y de como me siento.

Actualmente estoy trabajando en Playa del Carmen en Cancun, Mexico. en el hotel Royal Hideaway. Es el mejor hotel de la cadena Allegro. Sigo laborando en la posicion de Asistente al jefe De Actividades.. Actualmente estoy viviendo una situacion incomoda debido a que mi jefe no es deseado en la compañia, y yo me siento atrapado en medio por lo siguiente: Mi jefe no da el 100% de si en su trabajo, y la compania no le exige a el nada tampoco, yo realizo un sin fin de labores que el prodria estar realizando. Y no recibo mayor beneficio.

Ahora no deseo pensar mucho en eso pues no le veo mayor solucion que largarme yo y dejarlos a ellos con sus practicas administrativas. Deseo mas bien tomar estos momentos y hablar sobre como puedo encaminar mi vida hacia donde yo deseo que esta se dirija.

Miercoles 20 de Septiembre, 2000

Hoy estoy feliz. Hemos Disenado un sistema de trabajo que siento ha traido tranquilidad al equipo. A mi me complace y me hace pensar que realizo una buena labor. Y que puedo desempenarme profesionalmente en cualquier area. Solo debo concentrarme en la realizacion de mis labores y mis obligaciones, y todo lo demas parece alinearse a ese hecho.

Jueves 21 de Septiembre del 2000

Hoy paso por mi mente que vivo en el nivel de pobrecito yo y resentimiento, a nivel emocional. esto significa que me pierdo de muchas cosas, y automaticamente dirige mi enfoca hacia mi, o sea me vuelvo introspectivo. Mi efectividad ante la vida se ve disminuida a raiz de eso. Paso a explicar porque toco este tema. Tiene que ver con como me sentia en la tarde de hoy y como me siento ahora 4 horas despues.

En la tarde estaba muy molesto con Irving por que no llegaba a trabajar, se supone que me tenia que sustituir para que yo pudiera irme a descansar. Esperandolo, ahora viene la descripcion de los sentimientos, me senti frustrado, violado, disminuido en mi capacidad personal y simplemeente con un sentimiento de molestia general, el cual yo estaba adjudicando como responsable a Irving. Luego me puse a trabajar, me puse a resolver una serie de problemas y situaciones en el hotel. Especificamente el de las bicicletas, las cuales habian sido enviadas a reparar recientemente y una semana despues no tenia ni una bicicleta para prestar. Pues tome el telefono me comunique con alguien, resolvi transporte, y sin tener que pagar nada, en 2 horas ahora tengo 15 bicicletas repararadas, y mi estado de animo es muy bueno.

Porque decidi mientras realizaba toda esta labor, o mas bien me di cuenta que cuando enfoque mi mente en pensamientos negativos (estado de animo negativo, decaido, sintiendome victima y probrecito yo) pues que tambien tenia, entre otras cosas, varias opciones de estados de animos, y que ademas perpetuaba mi malestar. Yo perpetuaba y aumentaba mi malestar emocional, y me sumia mas y mas en un estado de impotencia e inactivdad. Si me pongo a analizar las cosas, pues me doy cuenta que a menudo en mi vida,y como ejemplo reciente estos ultimos meses, dirijo mi estado de animo hacia esa direccion negativo y poco beneficiosa.

Si dejo de lado todo lo que hasta ahora conozco como "sentimientos", y en especial el trabajo (esfuerzo) mental que realizo para llegar y permanecer en un determinado estado de animo(casi siempre negativo, enojado, deprimido, etc), y mas bien dedico mi mente a buscar las oportunidades que se presentan a mi alrededor y me dedicara a aprovecharlas y tomar accion sobre ellas, los resultados generales sobre mi famoso estado de animo seria muy superior.

Viernes 22 de Septiembre, 16:00

Tocando el punto de lo importante de estar focused, enfocado. El guardia de las viviendas parece estar enfocado solo a sobrevivr y a pasar un dia mas. Pienso, que seria de el si se enfocara en otras areas de su vida y desidiera desarrollarlas y expanderlas?. Y ahora eso lo traigo hasta mi, y me pregunto, en que me estoy enfocando, y en que areas de mi vida podria poner mas atencion y como podria expandirla.

21:34 horas

Heme aqui nuevamente con mi dilema de mucho trabajo y poco dinero. Siento que estoy trabajando demasiado, y recibiendo muy poco. Que obtengo despues de tantas horas de trabajo y esfuerzo que ya de por si es mucho mas de lo que normalmente alguien estaria dispuesto a trabajar. Pues casi nada. Lo que me inquieta es el pensar que si me infocara a otras areas con el mismo esfuerzo y talves menos podria obtener muchos mayores beneficios.

Ahora me estoy perdiendo de estar con Elke y con mi familia. Se supone que este viaje a Mexico seria para ahorrar dinero para hacer de la trancision a Alemania mas factible en cuanto al factor economico, pero en seis y medio meses en lugar de tener 6500 dolares tengo 2000.

Que hacer?, Como puedo cambiar mi situacion, especialmente la economica? Networking, averiguando que areas estan trabajando para otras personas y averiguar si yo puedo realizar la misma operacion. Me siento muy atraido al area de ventas internacionales, siento que convina muchas cosas interesantes para mi, como estar fuera de la oficina, viajar, computadoras, hablar con gente y conocer diferentes ambitos.

Debo investigar mis areas de oportunidad. Abrir mis ojos.

Domingo 24 de Septiembre 2000, 18:45

Hablando de investigar areas de oportunidad. Estoy cansado de ser asistente de animacion y no tengo interes en ser Jefe de Animacion. En realidad no me siento inclinado a continuar en la rama de la animacion. Creo que me gusta la hotelria pero no me interesa ser gerente general porque lo mismo que me molesta de la animacion me molestaria tambien en la gerencia general. Tendria que pasar muchas horas trabajando y muy duro, Creo que me interesa el area de Ventas. He organizado el horario del departamento para que no tengamos que estar Irving y yo en el al mismo tiempo. En otras palabras tengo mas tiempo libre para mi. Quiero utilizar ese tiempo y realizar practicas en el area de ventas, asistiendo a Samantha y/o Rosalia. Se de plano que Rosalia necesitara asistencia una vez que aumenten los grupos el proximo ano, y tambien se que desde ya Samantha could use some help.

Tambien resulta que estoy laborando ahora en una compania muy grande, Occideantal Hoteles, si muevo mis cartas bien, puede ser que obtenga un traslado a Europa, seguro Espana y ojala y Alemania.

Tenia muchas intenciones de dejar de trabajar en Diciembre, pero los numeros no estan cuadrando y lo del empleo en Alemania se ve complicado por que no tengo papeles. Creo que viajare en Marzo volviendo un poco al plan original. Con esto creo que comprare tiempo para arreglar los otros temas como el traslado a Occidental en Europa y el cambio de Area en la hoteleria.

Martes 26 de Septiembre 2000, 12:23 am

Hoy tome accion, por y para mi. El Lunes escuche el primer disco de Personal Power y decidi pues hacer el programa otra vez, como lo he hecho en multiples otras ocaciones. No hago ninguna promesa especial sobre esta vez.

La semana pasada acomode el horario de trabajo dandome algunas mananas y tardes para mi, tambien pensando en que ya no quiero continuar con animacion, di un paso importante , creo yo, que tambien me ayuda con lo de el trabajo en Germany. Empezare a realizar practicas en ventas con Samantha Jervis.

Que deseo obtener de esas practicas. Pues quiero aprender sobre ventas hoteleras, que es lo que hace ese puesto en detalle, y en base a eso pedirlo en mi proxima oportunidad, y asi dejar la animacion. Y espero que esa oportunidad sea en Alemania. (como hint podria leerme el manual de ese puesto)

Con respecto a Personal Power, pienso que es importante tomar apuntes de lo que dice Mister Robbins. Personal Power is the Ability to Act. Primero me decido, que es lo que quiero de una determinada situacion, luego tomo accion sobre el tema, tercero noto si la accion tomada me esta dando los resultados que yo deseo y si no es asi pues girar el timon e intentar una nueva ruta. Y como shortcut esta el modeling. Encontrar una persona que ya esta haciendo u obteniendo los resultados que yo deseo y averiguar como lo hizo (esta haciendo) y modelarla. {lo que estoy haciendo con Samantha, tambien lo hice cuando obtuve mi handheld pc por 410 dolares, la busque, y lo obtuve, so there is another personal power instance. Good for me. I knew what I wanted and took action an changed my aproach to it and finally got it. Although there were risks of losing my money, the final result is what count.}

Now what do I think, I think I have to work on my focus and direct it to the areas I really want to change. Wich are those areas? My profesional situation , My financial situation, My level of Hapiness and my Body shape.

En mi trabajo y en mi vida debo ser mas exigente con todos y en todo momento. Si no lo soy con los chicos, les estoy haciendo un gran dano por dejarlos contentarse con lo que ya tienen y nunca perdirles den mas, lo mismo con migo mismo. Caemos en una letania muy profunda, y de la cual se hace mas y mas dificil el salir de ella.

Debo ser mas exigente con todo a mi alrededor. Recuerdo mi primisa: "Si tiene que ver conmigo es de lo mejor, calidad de Oro."

Debo ponerme en el habito de revisar mi to do list y mi agenda el la h/pc a diario para empezar a organizarme al principio del dia y realizarlo unas cuantas veces al dia.

Martes 26 de Septiembre 2000, 11:38

PERSONAL POWER ASSIGNENMENT

4 ACTIONS THAT I NEED TO TAKE IN MY LIFE THAT I AM PUTTING OFF

WHAT PAIN I HAVE ASSOCIETED TO DOING IT IN THE PAST

WHAT PLEASURE I HAVE BY NOT TAKEN ACTIONS

WHAT WILL IT COST ME IF I DONT CHANGE

WHAT WILL I GAIN BY TAKING ACTION

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 Not calling the attention to the department

In the past when i call their attention they get upset with me and don't think I am nice anymore, and also they fight back and I dont like to fight

By not taking action I have the pleasure of somehow still being liked and don't have confrontation

If I don't change it will cost me the posibility of feeling good with my self and achieving goals that I could set with my department and rest.

By taking action I will gain respect for me from them and from my self, peace of mind, more free time as they will do their job with out supervision

2 Not working out on my taebo

I get tired

By not taking action I dont feel tired, dont sweat

If I don't change it will cost me goof health and lack of good esteem

By taking action I will gain better health, will be happier with my self and a good body shape, and I would be good at something

3 Finish my studies

I get bored and lose interest

By not taking action I dont feel frustrated when I dont advance as fast as I would like

If I don't change it will cost me the posibility of getting a better job and living a better life and feeling happy and proud about my self.

By taking action I will gain Get a better job, feell more self confident, grow intellectually, lay the foundationn for more knowledge

4 Stop Being too nice

I feel people will not like me anymore

By not taking action I feel I am special

If I don't change it will cost me the posibility of really expressing my self and getting things into order and specially to keep my stand

By taking action I will gain more self respect less problems, more freedom

Jueves 28 Sept. 12:05 am

Estoy pasando estos dias con un estado de animo muy enfadoso, pero me lo trago yo, y me pierdo de muchas otras cosas de la vida, como compartir con otras gentes, conocer gentes nuevas, despejar la mente. Por otro lado estoy disgustado con la empresa por la forma en que nos ignoran y en realidad en lo que a mi respecta por la forma en que quieren cargarme el trabajo de todo un departamento. Yo creo que es necesario un supervisor mas a parte de mi para poder llevar bien el departamente, y con buen ambiente. Y realmente siento que tengo razon y no puedo ver como dar todo el esfuerzo mental y fisico para dedicarme a una firma asi, pero tampoco deseo pasarmela de enfadoso y no vivir la vida. No quiero que llegue el final del año y decirme que no lo disfrute tanto como hubiese querido o lo que es peor, tanto como hubiese podido.

Deseo exigirle mas a la gente que labora conmigo y pasarmela bien en otras areas. Aumentar mi nivel de Felicidad. Subir en mi escala tonal.. Deseo tambien aprovechar esta oportunidad que me estoy dando para aprender algo nuevo en el area de las ventas. Ahi tengo que ponerle muchas ganas porque todo lo que saque de ahi sera para mi propio beneficio y me lo llevare conmigo el dia que me vaya.

Jueves 28 sept. 2000, 9:09

Ayer me acoste a las 2 de la mañana, leyendo mis cronicas. Siete años desde que las empece. El punto es que me enfoco solo en lo que no tengo y no en lo que tengo.

Sabado 30 Sept. 2000, 8:10 pm

Continuando con el comentario de que estuve releyendo las cronicas, me doy cuenta que efectivamente, I am cheating my self out of the fun of life because of what I am focusing on. Y esencialmente me estoy enfocando a lo que no tengo, lo que me falta, lo que me gustaria obtener, lo cual no es tan malo. Pero siento que ademas de eso me reprocho y me averguenzo por no tenerlo.

Pues quiero cambiar a partir de ahora esa linea que llevo con mi vida y mi linea de pensamiento y decidir o mas bien darme cuenta de que he arrivado, o sea, ya llegue. Estoy satisfecho, it is ok. En otras palabras, no tengo de que lamentarme. Tengo toda una vida por delante, tengo deseos y aspiraciones.

Tambien pude darme cuenta que una razon fuerte para no tener lo que he querido es que cuando me lo planteo lo hago en forma extremadamente vaga y general. Lo cual me debe servir de indicativo de que no se que es lo que quiero. O no sabia. A raiz tambien de la lectura me doy cuenta que cuando tenia mas pasion por todo era cuando estaba mas concentrado en lo mio que es la musica, la planeacion de eventos, su musicalizacion y efectos especiales, luces, teatro (tecnicamente). Que he estado siempre muy infeliz siendo asistente de animacion. Que lo unico que le agradeceria a la profecion hasta ahora seria mi novia, y los viajes que he podido realizar.

Asi que el objetivo debe ser muy claro. Quiero trabajar en una Production Company, y luego tener una. Lo dificil es el Aleman, a la hora de irme para europa.

Pero lo que realmente importa es la actitud ante la vida, puedo elegir. Es lo que se me olvida, que puedo elegir. Yo tomo la desicion sobre como me siento. Y la mayor parte del tiempo elijo quejarme.

Tengo la opcion de ser como una esponja de la vida, y absorver todo lo bueno que hay, de darme la oportunidad de hablar con la gente, de comunicarme como yo quiera, con quien yo quiera.

Tambien pude ver que me quejo de mi. Como es posible? Quien me entiende? Yo debo ser my number one advocate. Soy como soy, y aspiro a ser mejor. Pero eso significa solo que estoy abierto a aprender nuevas cosas, y no significa que mi personalidad presente o anterior deba ser reprimida, o disminuida.

Tengo todo el derecho y la obligacion de expresar mis sentimientos, mis pensamientos, mi todo, como yo quiera y cuando quiera.

Hoy continue con la practica en el departamento de ventas en el hotel. Estas practicas las estoy haciendo bajo mi propia iniciativa. Es parte de mi proyecto para ampliar mis fronteras profesionales y extender mi curriculum.

Estoy tomando accion y usando my Personal Power

Martes 3 de Octubre del 2000

Que esta pasando por mi mente en estos dias. Pues estoy muy ansioso de volver a ver a mi schatzita, y de besarla y hablarle. Tambien estoy muy ansioso de poder salir de la hoteleria y de poder encontrar un trabajo que vea con musica y eventos, creo que lo que estoy buscando es una compañia de producciones en Europa. Espero que mi curriculum me ayude obtenerla.

Martes 3 de Octubre del 2000, 3:13 pm

Hoy amaneci con un desgane total, no pude ponerme de pie y salir de la cama, no fui a trabajar, pude comer algunas galletas y batirme un chocolate. De lo que no estoy seguro es de si esto es algun desgane mental o realmente tengo algun problema de salud. Me siento debil y con dificultad de concentrarme, me duele la cabeza a momentos. Veremos como transcurre el resto del dia.

6:27 pm

Ya me siento mejor, no fui a trabajar. Pero lo que queria comentar es que cuando llegue a Alemania, y tomando como ejemplo como le fue a Elke, aun cuando quiero un trabajo en Sound and Light I will probably have to settle for anything else for at least 2 years like Elle. So I should prepare my self to be patient in this sense.

Thursday 5 Octob er 2000, 1:05 am

Today I took a happy ride. I came to the conclusion that, as I've already said earlier in these cronicles, I spend an awfull lot of my time focusing on what I don't have, thinking of how bad I have it, on the things that I have to do, and basically finding all the reasons why to feel bad. Today I decided to choose for the good things, Think about what I do have, to really open my eyes and see that all the things that I do or don't do for that matter, is by my choice. I choose to do them or not to do them.

I really have a lot of good things going for me, first of all and foremost, I am healthy, I have a good head on my shoulder, I have a family that loves me, and cares for me. I know what I want, I just want to be happy. What needs to be happining in my life so that I can say that I am happy, well, I have to be able to be with my schatzita, to do what ever I feel like, when I feel like, to fell free to choose and decide, and guess what I already have that. So I really have to stop the habit that I have created on my self for the last 31 years on making my self to feel bad about my self and with my self. Taking me to the point of losing focus of what I want and how I can Get it.

In other words, as I also said earlier, I have arrived, this is it. I do what I feel like, and there is no one to tell me otherwise, and if someone tries to, then who are they to tell me anything about me. Follow my insticnts that is what they are there for....

I am happy, I want to make an effort and also make sure I take this happy trips as often as I can and specially in the mornings when I start my days. I will put a reminder in my calendar, to daily remind me of the good things I have, and specially the fact that I choose how to feel , by choosing on what to pay attention to, and to act, in accordance to what I decide, regardless of the consecuences. I am the WAB....

Viernes 7 de Octubre del 2000, 8:50 pm

I am still with the happiness trip, wich by the way I thing is my road to happiness and ultimate freedom. But jet with the fact that I still know that I have to be carefull on what I focus on because it will determine my state of mind and the way I feel, today I found my self still at reaction and, unsucesfully, unhappy and upset.

What was I upset about or at? Came to the following conclusions:

My situation at work, most of all, my results in the department and how I am handling the whole situation. The fact that I feel that I' m not doing my job because of thinking of how bad off I am.

My financial status at this point, and in this I include also my disposition to enter other areas for financial purposes (jobs, business ideas, etc), and how have I not acumulated any wealth until know. That I feel lacking materialy.

Going back to the happiness trip and the fact that I have to focus on what I do have, on the good in my life, I noticed that in this process I pointed to things out side of me. (things or situations) . By doing this I noticed that I was putting my self at the risk that if any of these things where to go out of my control then, there went also my happiness. Things like my relationship with Elle, the things I bought, the job I have know ( or the fact that I do have one) all that is good but is outside of me. I have to go to the source of all these things wich is me The WAB. So lets go there.

Lets start with the very important thing in my life right now, my relationship with Elle. We are in love, I love her and she loves me. Lets go to the "she loves me" part. She loves me because of what she sees in me, So for my purpose here that is what I want to rescue from this, What is there in me for some one else to love, and do I love it and do I know it is there. And would other people be interested in knowing a part of those things too.

The job part. I do have one and the position I have. Why do I have it? Again, there is something in me that I have to rescue, here, and focus on that and improve that. So let's get to it.

What is there in me to love, and what is there that makes me good at my job, and was the reason for me to get it in the first place.

To love from me.

1. Honesty

2. Integrity

3. Debotion

4. The fact that I listen to other people and that I would take a chance and look at things from their point of view

5. Considerate

6. Tenderness

7. Genuine Interest in the other person.

8. Patience, and

9. Respect.

These 9 things so far is what I find important for me to observe in my relationship with other persons

For work.

1. Responsable

2. I like being one step ahead of what is needed

3. Profesionalism

4. Demanding (perfectionist)

5. Inovative

6. Initiative

7. Respectfull (with others and of their point of view)

8. Hard Worker

9. Elegant

Again 9 elements I like about how I do my job that I think I must direct my focus in my profesional area, both, for my current job, future ones, and in entering any future financial enterprise.

Now, what am I going to do about my job situation now. First lets clarify it.

I have feelings of upset with the hotel and my superiors because I worked so hard and they did not give me anything to thank it, and also very important the situation I came here in, in March where I was suposed to get 1600 promised to me by Mr. Irving. and didn't happen. So what am I going to do. If I don't do the job someone else is going to do so. And I am as capable of doint it as any body else. So again the choice is mine to get to the job, I know what is needed and wanted so lets get to it. I think I am in the State of Liability.

Monday, October 16, 2000 12:38 pm

An email to Elle

Hallo Meine, Liebe. Just wanted to let you know that at the other side of the sea there is some one like me missing someone like you, even after three beautifull years by your side, I am missing and loving you more than ever.

I am sitting in my room with only you on my mind. I am laying on my bed, writting to you. In the background there is the great music of Sade, Very romantic, the kind of music that invites you to seduction, specially when they are accompanied by candle lights, wich I have on my window, right next to your pictures. It is just that when I think of you, I just wish I was by your side. Always when we talk over the phone they are a million thinks that I wish to say to you, and another million I want to hear from you.

I constantly think of all those things I want to tell you over the phone, but when we talk they don't come out because it is not the same as having you by my side... and to be able to see you eye to eye, caress your body tenderly and soft, kiss your cheeks, play with your hair, listen to your lafter, hold your hands into mine, and to get lost in your eyes, with nothing but the feeling of pure love holding me together, and giving thanks to the heavens for making me so lucky to have found you.

You. Some one I think is very special on there own. I always have to think of the Movie "As Good As It Gets" in the last part of it when he says to her the nicest thing I ever heard said to a woman.

I see you every day carry on with life in your own special way. I see you care about me, and your friends in a form I find unique to you, when you comb your hair, and when you laugh, when you hold me in your arms, and make every thing OK , the way you smile, the way the sun comes out in your eyes. The fact that I can see all that makes me proud, and when I think that I have yo, makes me want to be a better man to deserve you.

I know that Nicholson did not say that exactly to Hellen Hunt in the movie, but that is how I feel very often about my schatzita, and that is one of the things I want to tell you over the phone. I want to tell how happy I am by your side, I want to talk about the weather, about what you did in the day, about how I feel about you. I want to hear how you feel today, I want you to tell me if you are upset, if you are happy, if your are angry, if you are upset, to tell me if you are scared, or if you had a silly tough. I want to tell you if I had a good day, if I had a bad one, I want to tell you my private toughts, I want to sit down and talk phylosofy with you, I want to talk about the moon and the sun. Or just sit around a cup of coffee and drink it with you.

I guess I am trying to say that

I Love You

Warren

Sunday , December 10, 2000

Here I am in Germany. With my Schatzita. I came to visit arrived on the 7th of December. The following day on the 8th of December, well I proposed to Elke. I did it right after breakfast. I woke up, made some breakfast. We sat down ate the eggs, drinked the coffe, and the orange juice. Talked a little, and then right out of the blue, gave her a ring that I had bought in Mexico. The ring was in a bag next to her, I told her to take the bag, that there was a present there for her. She openend it and looked at the box it contained, opened the box, took the ring out, Imediately she said that she liked the ring; and then she asked me what was it for, for christmas or what? I told her: "No I am asking you to marry me". She immediately started crying and said "yes" and from there on I became the happiest man on earth.

Warren Barton

Monday, Decembe 11

I find my self more relax in general with my self and with life. I feel very happy with my relationship with Elke. Although work is not what I would like it to be, I am specially happy with the fact that I feel very confident in my self being able to overcome any obstaacle that may present. I am developing actions plans, and programs, and will start soon with procesess for the diferent functions of the department. This will give me a clear guide of how to manage my resources and a clear path to achieving the results that I think I should get.

By doing this, by achieving it, I am also preparing my self for other areas of my life. This I do it by getting more confident in my self and my relationship with my self and other people. The future doesn't look as black and insecure or as far away as it looked before. I think I really was able to turn my focus around and I developed a self confidence that is pulling me in the direction I want.

I have to pay attention to details that might be left over habits of my prior thinking pattern. For example now when I sleep I wake up at 4:30 am almost every night and cant fall a sleep again until 7 wich is about the time I have to be waking up. I think this is a pattern that I got my self into unconsiusly when I used to stress out about everything with out coming up with a real solution for it. So now what is left is for me to change this pattern by reasuring my self that during the day time, or the time that I am awake I will actively work in the solution of situations and when I am in bed that is my own time to rest and by this there is no need to interrupt my sleep to think about the situatioons that will actualy get handled, by me, when I am up.

Wednesday December 13, 2000

Apparently it works to talk to my self and tell me what is going on. Because the last talk I had allowed me to sleep for two nights already with no complications what so ever. So it is starting to pay off for the inner observation, as it is allowing me to focus on where the problem might be and try a solution, and in case that solution does not work, well that is one thing less that I will not need to try again.

The important thing is to identify the habits that are not helping me and eliminate them. One By One....

Wednesday December 27, 2000

Here I am on my way back to Cancun, after 3 great weeks in Germany with Elke. It was a wonderfull time and it helped me to look at moving to germany like something more real and likely to happen. .

Now what is going through my head is that I want to change my basic thougts. The way I am reacting to the world. I want to Learn how to relax more, get more in contact with my self so that I get to express my self better and more, and trust my self to be more me. Some one that is in conection with his feelings, with his needs, with his wants, who can more rapidly identify all these feelings and respond to them more effectively.

I think that I can do this by practicing meditation and relaxation, working out more. Becoming more active. I will try this and see what happens.

Wednesday 3 2001

Well here comes another year, Since I came back from Germany I have not been feeling quite well. I thinnk you might say I am feeling melancolic, maybe I am missing Elkita. The situation at work is not the greatest I think, but it can be changed. Must keep strong and remember what I wrote above.

Thurday January 25, 2001

Try practicing this, take the time to sit down and look at things differently. Let the imagination show and see how things can be. use that if what you see is better than what they are now. For example see the clients at the Sports Bar they could be with more people at the end of a party night organized by activities.

Saturday February 10, 2001 2:25 am

Well here I am at my new apartment given by the hotel. Last week I raised a fuss about my pay and my housing that I had requested since november last year. They kept playing me and at the 31rst of January it did not come so I quited immediately and ten minutes later it was all fixed.

But now I have to kick my self up and get in gear with all that is missing in the department because I am getting no where with anything. So I have to look again at my goal and who I am and ignore everything else that might be going on around me and pull my self forward just on will power alone and come out victourious at the other side of the road.

February 26, 10:42 pm

Hallo Menine liebe, How are you my love, I am sitting in front of the beach looking at the lights of cozumel. In the background I can hear some people playing and having fun, and some great jazz music. Down at the Beach I can make out the siluette of a couple walking in the fresh of the night, and all this is the setting for a romantic dinner that is being held right on the beach, for some persons who requested it specially for themselves... And in the meanwhile there is me just can't stop thinking about you and how I feel about you and how much I would love to have you here next to me. Althought it is only two months before you come it is still way too much time for me, I wish you would be here right now.

The Jazz music is still playing, a great saxophone song, that takes me back to the times of Luis Armstrong and makes me feel even more romantic. In my mind I can picture us moving very, slowly just the two of us alone on a dance floor, you dressed in a tight black pants, high heals shoes, a tight blouse with no buttons, with sparkling spots on it, holding on tight to me, very close to one and other, not talking just dancing to the rithm of the music, enjoying the company of each other, you dancing with me and me knowing that you really hate the music, but you dance any way just to keep the mood and make me happy, because that is the way you are. And that is when I realize that all my dreams have come true and that I am the happiest man on hearth, because I HAVE THE WOMAN OF MY LIFE RIGHT HERE IN MY ARMS.

I love you,

Warren

Domingo 22 de Abril 2001, Cancun Mexico

Well, what have I been up to lately, well I think that there is a lot going on with me right now, most of it good. In these pages I have always tried to leave what is going on with me emotianaly, what is going on in my mind, how I am feeling, what is bothering, and what state of mind am I in, so that later I can come back and see if I have pushed my self forward, wish is one of my main objetives in my life.

Right now I fell very uptimistic with my self and with my life, I am remembering now that at some point some time ago I decided that I should trust my self more, and really believe in my self confidence. In these last four months this realization and conviction gave my life quality very good results. I got the Hotel to give me my salary raise, I got the apartment that I wanted when they were going to give it to someone else, and in my job I feel like I have achieved the level and status of department chief, not that I need that to feel someone buy I have left behind that unwanted feeling of not deserving or low self estime, there is another word that I can not come up with at this momemnt

April 24 2001, Playacar

Well it has been such a long time since I sat down and leave some word in my diary that I will try to make a resume of what has been going on. First of all I am exited about my upcoming marriage, Elke is arriving on the 29th of april one week from now ( a little less) and on friday the 4th of may, 2 days after her birtthday we will get married. I am so happy that she is the one I am marrieing, I find her to be exiting and challenging, not easy to please, and beatifull, inside and out.

I purchased over 600 dollars worth of herbalife products, I think this is a good bussiness to get into and to build and grow, as it helps people improve their health and their finance if you really sit down and work on this thing, and you can take it internationaly. That also has me exited. I have to work more on it, but I am still finding all the excuses why to take it easy, this I think is wrong. I should be finding all the excuses to dedicate my self more time to it, as I will be receiving tons of benefit from it. I feel that I could receive tousunds of dollars from it. and I can do it from home and over the internet.

I am working out, also I am on a diet, the herbalife diet, already lost 6 pounds or kilos (always get confused) from 90 to 84, and went from waist 36 (92 cm) to 34 (86.5 cm). And I am working out with the Taebo, getting more consistent with it.

I am stopping to work in the hotel industry, to start a new life as a family man. So that is a new challenge there.

I am learning how to give massages, that I enjoy very much, I have to put in a lot more hours of practice into it. and in Germany maybe buy a bed to work on it.

Finished reading the Celestine Profecy, very exiting and interesting book from james redfield, his point of view on the evolution of life on this planet and were it is going and the way we relate to each other and how this quality of relation can change us for the better. I find my self agreeing with most of his ideas. I like the part specificaly where he proposes to receive energy from the universe and give it to one an other., some how I feel that works right now so I will not discart his ideas for now. I am more on the path of following what is true for me, aplying my integrity in L.R.H. definitions.

Last Wednesday was when Elke comunicated me her Idea of getting married here in mexico, but it was also the date of the death of my fathers father. Just like a couple of weeks before I called and ask for him, I guess I kind of felt it. I am sorry for my dad he admired my grandfather a lot, so I will try calling tomorrow.

My feelings towards my self and the world are good, uptimistic, and with energy. At work I am very cranky, I have to invest more time there and specially patience so that I don't take any negative association from there with me so that I am able to grow and evolve past that point.

Sunday April 29

The toughts I have at this moment I project to create my future, If I don't watch what and how I am thinking right now my future will no be as good. If I think good now I will be better then.

Monday April 30th

What I have not talked about is the fact that On the 3rd of May I will be getting married. I will be marrying the women of my life, Elke. I like the fact that, the idea of getting married in Mexico in her upcoming vacation came from her, just 2 weeks before her arrival. In that time we managed to arrange all the paper work. My hotel manager told me that I should get married at the hotel. and for our honey moon I wish to take her on a cruise ship to cuba, and maybe spend some days there. She doesn't know that detail yet, I want that to be a surprise up until the moment of the arrival to the cruise.

Wednesday May 2, 2001

Today the waist was 85.5

Tuesday, May 8, 2001 6:15 p.m. Playa Del Carmen Mexico

Here I am on my way back from Chetumal where we just got our Marriage Certificate Apostille, so that it has international recognition. And yes my marriage certificate. Elke and I got married last Thursday, at the Resort were I used to work, we took lots of pictures which came out great I have to say, and right after the wedding we took of to Cuba for the Honeymoon. Every thing has been great so far, the married status has not yet sink inwe are still the same Elkita and I and let's hope it only gets better from here on.

We should be flying out on Sunday, and that is another adventure for me. I will be starting a new life in Germany leaving behing what I have been doing for so long now, the hotel industry. I hope in Germany I can achieve my goals and life plans as I dream it should be so that I am able to provide for my family all their material and spiritual needs. Also that I can expand my self physically, mentaly, spiritually and finantially

Although I am very happy with all this that is going on, I am not bursting in happiness demostrations, my attitude is not of one who is completely happy, so I ask my self why is that? I think it has to do with the way I am focusing and directing my thoughts and energy. I have just finished reading the book "The Celestine Profecy" by James Redfield. He says that we are able to receive energy from an infinit power source, and that this world react to the way we project and use this energy, to our toughts. I find my self worried about what will I do in Germany once I get there. The clue to changing this is the word "worried" it must change to "Plan" I plan to do the right thing in Germany.

I waist energy worriyng, I keep going in Circles, I have to move forward definetly and I do this by directing my energy in to one direction , focusing on one thing at a time and that is being happy, and being my self.

Thursday, May 10 2001, Playa del Carmen, Mexico

Here I am sitting infront of the beach with my beautifull wife next to me, this is the life, just finished having a great tropical fruit juice mix and with a delicious avocado and sausage sandwich that was delicious. Last night we had a great dinner, a movie, some dancing, and some drinks, that was a great night too.

From the way I was feeling yesterday to last night and today there was and is a great improvement. I realized that I have been through this a million times before, and that the cure to this is: "just relax and be my self" as simple as that. It means to remember what aI trust and like about myself, to believe in my self and again not to worry, but to plan and make decitions and to take action on those decition and that is how you create more energy and increase your self worth.

I have to remember that some time ago I made a decition about what were the things that were important to me about me, these values are about what I can control and can originate on my own, my happiness is based on these values and the level to which I am able to stick to them and reprresent them by my actions.

Monday 14, 2001 Essen, Germany

I just arrived to Essen in Germany, Where I am begining my new life as a husband. I have to keep in mind to be carefull of what I focus on. I want to focus on positive situations and actions, on good feelings and hapiness and prosperity, in keeping my mind clear and set on to what I want to do. I wish to start and expand the herbalife bussines as a fulll time ocupation as to achieve with it finantial independence, and with this the posibility to give my family all that I wish to give them and that they may need. The secret is keeping focused, focused outside of me and on the posibilities not the situations.

Tuesday 29, May 2001 Dusseldorf

Here I am on my way to Dusseldorf just going over a little lake. The weather is just perfect not too hot and not too cold. I am adapting my self to the enviroment little by little. The language still being my biggest concern. Although today I just had an interview, at Steven English Training. I have the possibility of working there. That would be just perfect for me as I could get some income and relax my economical situation. Also I get to go out and meet people and keep my self busy. If I get the job It would also help me in getting started with the Herbalife bussinesss. As of yet I have not gotten anything done on that subject so far. But things are definitely starting to look better.

Friday June 15, 2001 Essen Germany

On monday it was my birthday, great celebration we had family and friends coming over and had some beer and champagne. Got great presents.

I am convinced that I am the luckiest man to have the wife, girlfriend, best friend in the world. I find my self falling more and more in love with her, she is just great, unbelievable.

On my hand I have to wake up to life. Take it into control. I am leting it push me around like a leave on the wind, and I know that is not what I want. I am allowing this by not focusing on what I want and by not working consistently on my goals. I will keep in mind the following:

Life is just a big concentration exercise.

Wednesday August 1, 2001

To experience life you must interest your self in life things.

Wednesday September 5, 2001

I think that there should be a international law: For every tree that is cut down 2 should be planted, and green peace should patrol (police) this law so it is implemented.

Monday, September 25, 2001

Just coming out of a down cicle. I should note that it started around 1 month or 45 days ago, of course with its ups and downs. But at this time I am focusing and what I am saying to my self and how I am talking to my self and also how I am perceiving my self. I look at it from a view point that I don't normally take. Normally there is something to regret or improve about me, and that is what keeps going around in my toughts and is what gets repeated to my self on a regular basis. You can imagine that this repeated over a period of time may create a problem and extend over a longer one, well is not the best of things to do.

What I find more beneficial than that is looking at my self succesfully.

Sunday October 28, 2001. Rhodes, Greece.

Here I am in sunny Greece on the Island of Rhodes, with my beautifull wife, listening to my favorite music, enyoing the sun and having nothing but a good time. I already wanted to write in to my diary a week ago of Friday the 19, but I have been putting it off as usual. At the time I wanted to write somethhing around the lines that I could help my self feel a better by gaining and focusing on my integrity, by doiing that which I wanted to do, and not what I tought woud be better accepted by every one else, and that what ever I thought would probably be wrong anyway. That is coompletely worng.

By doing this I am doing what the song says, "Killing me Softly" or rather slowly. I find mky self no more. I spend a lot of time trying to escape reality andmy life now. Thinkig about when it was could or how bad it is know, spending no time on making it better know, or what is even worse on what do I want. What would it take for me to feel a life again. So I guess some where along this line of thinking that I had last week I came up with the answer that I have to regain my integrity if I want to live at all.

Of course just coming up with this thought was not enoguh to get a good sleep at night, or to stop watching so much TV, or to feel energized and willing to follow through with my ideas, or even coming up with them, which I think is what bothers me the most.

Tuesday October 30 2001, Somewhere over Europe

Here I am on my way back home after 12 days of vacations. It was good time, relaxed did nothing, and ate a lot.

Continuing up on what I was saying before on my last intervencion in my diary I tought that I should also find a way of expressing my self and my inner toughts. This by writting as I used to do it before. The important factor to remember here is this I want to do it for me, out of the pleasure that I get from creating and expresing feelings.

Wednesday 31 October 2001, Essen

How am I going to make new friends if I keep thinking or focusing on the points that I find are negative on them. What do I gain by finding the negative in persons that I meet every day. I don't think that there is any benefit in it. I would find more benefit by relaxing on those points and just leting my self be in peace with the other persons. Let then worry about there own.

18:26

What am I???? What am I good at? I am good at organising events. I did it when I had the Blaster Corporation. When I was at the hotel (Royal) in 3 Days developed and organised the end of the year party, closed circuit TV the band , the Kick off event with the show, got every body in the Hotel there, the show was a success. I did that. I feel how people feel, and prepare events or activities to stimulate their entertainment.

That is my strenght. There is where further preparation must go into.

January 2, 2002

Well finally here I am. Receiving an new year. The first new year away from the Hotel industry. and happy about it. Spent 11 days off work, spent it at home do it a lot of house work, it was fun. But what I really want to talk about is how I was feeling in the last weeks. The feeling was really frustrating. I thought I was feeling home sick. I was finding every thing a little too difficult to deal with. Tired of work, tired of a new culture. Tired of not having my family and friends around. hating not having something interesting to do, where I could really put my hearth into.

The days were coming and going with out any thing happening. I spent the days in a very bad mood, dead alive. What I hated the most was watching television for most of the day with out any control. That was the worst.

I was not really sure what was the reason for this sad state of mind I fell in. As I said before I thought I was Home Sick; and it was so bad that It started annoying my wife as well. She of course did her best effort to support me but who wants to live with a stiff, someone dead alive.

But I finnally came to my senses. The real reason behind all this "unhappiness" is the following, as bold as it my sound, it is the main reason: I WANT TO BE RICH. Sure, it sounds stupid. Who doesn't want to be rich. So allow me to explain.

How can I start? Like most of the people I've always wanted to have enough money to live good. But with the years most of the people give in to the idea that with a good job is as good as it gets. Why bother going trhough all the work trying to get rich, when you will probably never get rich enough? So you play the game of live as happy as you can with what you have, and I, at some point, heard the above so many times that I started to belive it and that's when things begin to go down hill.

It is true, you should enjoy life now, not trouble yourself with the superficial pursue of the materialistic pleasures in life. And that was one of my excuses for not trying to lead a better life. But what I realised was that I must be rich not simply to enjoy the materialistic aspect of it , but because I know it is posible, I know I can, and by not trying I am lying to my self , I am denying my selfworth. I am not giving my self the opportunity to grow. I know tha money is not given to you. If you give a service you deserve to be paid for it, and that I know, I know that there is a way. I promised it to my self many years ago. I always told my self that I would be rich. I said that first I would find a great woman to marry and then I woulb become rich. Well luckily for me I found my wife, so now I have to fullfill the next part of my promise to my self.

I also feel better because every day I am coming up with ideas of ways of getting this done and with this I am already starting to feel better. I am afraid though that I am so used of making plans and not taking action that I might do it again now and remain were I am and with this fall down again to where I don't want to be.

I will keep notes of my progress and I am sure I will break trough, I know I can and I have done it before.

January 3, 2002

Another day in Paradise for me. So, what else did I learn from my bad days in December? Well probably the most important things are the simple things. I realized that to be a patient person you have to learn to be patience by having patience while achieving this. As simplistic as it may sound, it is very important to me, because one of the mayor resons for my feelings of disatisfaction with my self is that I did not pay attention to this law. I wanted every thing now, but things take time and effort. And that was another thing I realized.

If you want to acheive something you have to be constant and actually work on it. Dreaming about it is just the beginning. Taking action is the road to succes (acheiving). I wrote this before already sometime ago:

"August 9, 1994

Well, this is what I came up with. Do the action of what you want to be:

if you want to be ordered. then order sutff, keep things in order. If you want to be happy and so on, take action, and of course a complement of this is Force and Control. But the question is “of what”; of “you” of course. Your will. Force yourself to take action as this is the only way you get consequences of anything. And now that I think about it, it will be necesary for you to be honest about it."

I could add now to the above that you must be consistent. You must not act only on the rush of a moment and then stop when you don't feel like it any more. Stop when you are finished. Train your self to be and do what you need to be and do. Don't live like a leaf in the wind, being pushed around my your feelings and emotions. Feelings and emotions are not they to drive but to guide you. Acknoledge them, know what you are feeling and in order to communicate with your self and others. But the driving force in your life, in your descisions, and in your actions is you.

3 January, 2002

Here I am on my way home after work. It is 9:20. I am thinking about the fact that when I get home I should do my weight work out. There is in me a feeling of not wanting to do it. O.K. So this is where the test starts. Here is where we make or break. I have benn here many times before, And I decided not to do it. Lets not do that this time. Let's exahle our selves to next level. Remember doing the work out is not about just budy building, it is Soul building, building up the habit of consistancy. It is taming my self. I love working out. I want the results that I can only get when I work out. No work out no results, no results no gain.

Let's bring our selves to where we know we can be which is where we want to be. It is about making a decission and following though on this desicion. Using my personal power.

Wednesday 16 January, 2002

For some reason it seams long ago that I last wrote something. Since Sunday I've been working out every day. I moved up to the Taebo Advance work out which I do in the mornings for half an hour and in the evenings another half hour with the Body Work Pro 7 different exercises. Again the reason I am doing this is to exercise my power our my mind and my mind over my body. Of course I will not denie the byside result that this practice will have on my body shape.

Also before Sunday I was again starting to slip down. Starting to give in and coming up with excuses not to do this. But something happened I guess somewhere around saturday and my spirit was renewed. At the moment I can not recall what it was. I must think about it and write it down. But I know that on Sunday I remembered my decision and took action and decided not to give in or up on my self.

Thinking about it even this few days into the week it has been already difficult to stick to my comitment. So this is where the fight really starts I guess. Keeping up, not agreeing with an excuse why not to do my exercises. Also as important, my business. Taking real action in getting started and promoting these products.

After writting this I feel even better. I is good for me to put my thought down, as it also helpos me to realise them and have a conversation with my self.

Thursday 17, Janurary 2002

The same day after writtiing the above, on my way home a bad feeling came over me. I was feeling upset, angry, complaining. Had no reason to be here, and of course did not want to do my exercises. (follow trough) But some how I got home and pushed trough it and pushed myself to it, and during the work out I felt better again. So I see it is an ongoing battle a daily battle to pull my self forward.

I am thinking that the most important thing is to pay attention to my emotional state. How I feel determines what I am willing to do and how I am willing to do things. So allowing my self to be controlled by my emotions and allowing these emotion to be negative is of course the wrong way to improve my current state. I have to stay alert in regards to this matter.

I think what happens, the basic problem is going out of communication. Specially with my self.

Later That Day .....

I'm just on my way home from having some drinks with some of my colleagues, something I don't do very often, Now I feel a lot better than earlier. In analising this I realised also that in many past ocasions when I felt not in the best mood, There wasn't a lot of variety in my daily routine. I also realise now that my comunication level had fallen down so llow that I got into the habit of running away from social activities, and by this losing my ability to basically know how to be confortable amongst other people.

Wednesday 23rd January, 2002

As I might have guessed, the last few days, actually after the last time I wrote, doubts started to appear in my mind, but I am proud. I did not sink low at all. I handled them by talking with my self, and analysing what I was feeling. One feeling that triggered, and has triggered devastatingly in the past was, self doubt. The example. A simple [hone call to speak with me life long friend Steven. At the end of the conversation he tells me he is going back to Costa Rica after studying over 2 years aviation in L.A. and he is taking over some equipment to set up an office to sell car spare parts, which he and his uncle had already started. Sre enough my mind starts to think and what have I done. I still don't have a bussiness. I still am trying to start, and have never gone too far from there.

I saw this coming and where it was going to lead. So I took a look at it:

First of all, good for stevens he finally got something going he likes. He used to hate sales and now he got something he likes and that is working for him. I am happy for him.

Second, I need not to compare my self to him or anyone else. I am who I am and what I do I do it for me. I have acheved many things in my life, and I am leading and extraordinary life. I have gotten used to putting my self down. My worse habit. Feeling down, and sorry for my self. Isn't it easy to leave feeling like you can't. Then you d on't have to try anything because I just can't do anything or achieve anything. I had arrived at a very comfortable place in my mind.

But I realize now it isn't comfortable, it isn't good,and it is very lownly. And I don't want to be there anymore. I am packing up and leaving, and never coming back.

Tuesday 12, February 2002

I am still feeling quite good about life and my self. I am actually on my way home to work out. So I am still doing that regularly and enjoying it a lot. But I found my sell procrastinating on a phone call I have to do to Herbalife to order advertisement. I thought about it and I am not scared of doing the work I am scared of it not working out. (follow up on the idea....) And later today thinking on the same subject I realized that I was afraid of failure, yeah! Big discovery you might say. But for me it is. It is not about failing but about what you do when you fail, or more importantly after you fail.

The reason for this fear has to do with how I have dealt with failure all my life. In the past any kind of failure that I would come across, resulted in me feeling very demoralized, desilusionated, I normaly gave up on thinks, and finally sink in a very depress state of mind and mood. Also my focus was on how bad things had gone for me and then all the typical questions, Why does this happen to me? Why me? and also the typical remark, Tahts the story of my life Etc. And I can see it in my previos writting.

Now, what am I going to do about this now that I know. Well I can't avoid or change the fact that there will be instances where things will swing against me. And I know I will not sit and not try anything in order to avoid failure, that is also no solution. What I can do is change my associations to the subject. And decide that, whatever it is that I make my mind up to do, to do it 200%, to dive into it with all my hearth and passion and just keep it my best, get absorved by it. And if things don't work out the way I expect them to do, then just turn around and try another way baby.

While I am writting all this it is very clear where it came from, but in the future it not might be. So what happened was that I am so close to finishing my drviers license in Germany, (I have to get a german one after 6 months of living here). And all I have to do is freshen up on my study and call in and do the test, and achieve the goal. But I don't do it. I find all kinds of excuses. The main and easiest one being "I just can't bring my self to study" and with that there went the day, the hour, the possibility of coming one step closer to my goal. And boy does that sound familiar to me. So I looked into why was I doing this to my self and putting my self through this missery, because it is a missery , I spend most of my time thinking and worrying about the test and the inconveniences of not driving that actually doing something about it. And now that I stop to look at it , I realise that this prolonged over a period of time develops into me feeling frustrated and giving up on my self, and sinking into a whole I know way to well. And I don't like it. So this is how I came up with the above.

Wednesday 13 February, 2002

I am sitting in my favorite Chinesse Restaurant having lunch. And wondered, Why aren't I feeling overflod with excitment right now. I mean I fell good in general, but I am not feeling any pasion. Why is that. What do I think is missing or qhat is lingering around in my mind that is worrying me and I haven't figured out. 1:08 pm

I've been thinking the whole day about it. I do feel better now, although I did not find a very good reason for it, but a couple of ideas came about.

*My values and believes. That means that I might be doing this with the wrong reasons in mind. This would mean that I lost focus of what got me on this journey since last December. And that I am trying to attain superficial and non consequent values. Of course my deeper character knows very well that this could not lead to long lasting happiness and does not do the greatest good the greatest amount of dynamics.

I've been afraid of doing it and of failing. Again what I was talking about yesterday, and a little more today about doing it. Taking action and using my personal power, and being afraid of ending up like all the other times. What was wrong with "all the other times" was that I did not learn from them and did not get up and try again and did not appreciate the fact that I did try, I did take action.

Being, just plain lazy, Yeah, just feeling bad because I am use to feeling so. So in this case to change it or to manage my state it is all about making the decision. Just decide to not feel like this and get it over with.

Monday 18 February, 2002

Yesterday I had a funny day, I felt lazy the whole day and didn't get out of it until very late in the evening. I was wondering what was it a bout?, was I warrying too much about the bussines (fear)? was I sabotaging my self? or was I being just plain lazy and falling victim of my old habits, physical and mental ones.

Well there was a combination of reasons. I did fall victim of my old habit of just feeling down just because that is how I normally felt. Then what helped that feeling to sink in was also the wrong focus, asking the wrong questions. The question that was going on in my mind was all that I was missing, I should have been focusing on all that I already have for the business. That put me already in the right path again. And then realizing that there is no self sabotage but just old patterns and worng focus. It is all good....

Sunday 17 March 2002

Brussels. I have been wanting to sit down and write for a long time now. But never found the time. Interesting enough what I wanted to write about was how I noticed the begining of my much talked about and not yet completely handled, down cycle. But this time I am at the begining of it and I can see how carring on with out handling the things and situations that need to be handled can and would lead to that very familiar place of which I am getting away from.

What I stopped dowing was the work out. Still have not effectively done something on my Herbalife business, and even had some downs about it as well, which I know all too well the results of such questionings. and have delayed even more on the Drivers license.

What could normally happen is that all the above mentioned facts would traditionally be looked at as proof of my lack of competence and used as weapons against my self, in my own traditional personal attack that would lead and support the feeling bad with and about my self.

Now I have the choice to look at it as still the chance and posibility to continue and push through and get to where I want to get and do what I want to do. so. Toi, toi, toi. Let's do the Right things, Let's thing a bout the right thing.